Sunday, October 31, 2004

'Til It Ends

i couldve ended it before
i couldve just left it there
but still it grows
something i could not just share

to you whom i think of most
with you i can boast
i couldnt be a better host
be with me, thats what matter most

if... whats next
a small word with many possible phrases
a possibility, of what might, and not quite
something i couldnt hex

i can give out my all
but i would just end up small
i know what will happen
its not even how i want it to begin

now im just alone
losing what i treasure most
a dream that was once shown
nothing more but a hoax

suffering and still hoping
within my hands i am coping
i cant let it all go
its just i love you so...

i couldve ended it before
left it alone and go
something now i can share
this story of mine i bear

and i'll have to wait...
till it ends...

Saturday, October 30, 2004


What are they? they are the things you want to achieve, you want to see, you want to pursue. some of these dreams are things that you couldnt get your hands in to...

Some are nightmares, some are too dreamy to tell... some are weird and unexplainable, but some are still

no matter what they are dreams... mine yours.

and for me... dreams is a moment. a moment that everything that i have ever wanted since i was a child is real.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Definition of Bliss

to hell with this
i dont care what happened to bliss
as i fell down on my knees
i begged and prayed for one last kiss

alone was my verdict for life
stood up and picked up a knife
to hell with this
this is bliss

it wont end till it ends
till one reach that ditch around the bend
a message i refuse to send
the beginning of the end

no man is happy till he's dead
i heard this was once said
to hell with this
this is bliss

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Memoirs of the Wandering Dreamer: Reloaded #1

I got stuck with this phrase "The right place, at the right time" and now im wondering when will this time come... or will it ever happen at all? Some say its inevitable, some say its just a saying. For me, everything is the right place at the right time. Again enter this old saying that "Everything happens for a reason".

I'll bring it all back to yesterdays story, yesterday was a good day to let a blog to pass. Yesterday was my official return to the pitch. And knowing myself as a hardcore Real Madrid fan, i was forced to wear my Barcelona jersey, reason? i got nothing else to wear. Anyway, it was a lovely game that ended up with a lot of goals. I can tell that my defense has picked up, although i got tired easily, but i did my best and it was good enough to let the goals pile up for our team. We won the first leg 6-1 and lost the second leg 5-3. To cut the story short i ended up straining my leg muscles. And i felt it just this morning. Back to yesterdays story when we were about to go home, me and my friend decided to hang out in our friends house within our village. We had a healthy "Man talk". Experiences, stories, with some cigarettes. And upon listening to everything we shared, failed relationships, successful relationships, basically our ups and downs. I came back to the phrase "The right place at the right time". Everything that happens is the Right place and the right time. Theres no wrong place, unless you end up getting killed between a gunfight, but its all about Experiences, experiences makes it all right, experiences makes it all fine. Whether you end up sobbing or drinking a beer over it its a lesson learned. Thats why its inevitable, thats why its called fate, its how life goes. A flick of a coin like my friend says, you dont know whether its heads or tails but you know its either of the two. Now i dont know where im going with all this but Real Madrid should win some games. Heh... Sooner or later its all going to end your way... or my way...

Now, are you going my way?...

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Is this for real? tell me im not dreaming...

i'm back! well at last i finished my baby thesis, the program, documentations, defense, everything... and to cut the long story short, it was all good, we passed!! and that means that the lowest grade that i can get is 90. anyway that was yesterdays story.

i just woke up from rest, today will be the start of "the rest of my life." and to jump it off is two capsules of hydroxycut hehe. what is hydroxycut? dietary supplements... lost 2 lbs from it so far :D.

Now for this weeks news, sports news that is... :).

Jose Antonio Camacho stepped down as Real Madrid manager and is replaced by his deputy Mariano Garcia Remon.

Now for my opinion: how can they have solid performance if they cant keep up with coaches? how can they polish the plays with different coaches every year? or every month? i dunno but Real has to get up from the slump theyre in right now.

thats all... the title has nothing to do with the content... its something else ;)

Friday, September 17, 2004

Its all about Politics

Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so
let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the
money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your
needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class
and your baby brother the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went
to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled
nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep.
He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw
his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard.
The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government
fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full
of shit.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Full Circle

it has always been like this
from here to there...
in anyway... it turns into bliss...

as i have thought that i am well-rounded
talents and skills i am surrounded
it has always been like this

i might not be good at all
but i think im average... lets start a poll
it has always been like this

theres one thing missing
all that hugging and kissing...
sad to think but...
i have always been like this...

theres one thing missing
the love i have waited...
is not here to complete my circle...

sad to think...
i have always been like this...

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Slow Day Can It End Like Right Now?

i didnt go to class today... i just slept and took my well deserved rest... theres no quizzes today, just this linggo ng wika presentation all day... so theres nothing to do... i just took the day off...

thesis, i need to finish this thesis, a music database program, plus a manual i just remembered that september 18 will be our day of defense. im planning to start everything tomorrow, and thats final... start and finish everything and i mean everything tomorrow.

im supposed to play football today, such a lovely day for the game, but im knackered, slept late last night and damn tired. and i dont want to show in school just for the game, if i was an asshole i would hehehe knowing my profs knows me well i wouldnt show up... ill play next week :D ill just visit the gym later...

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Fall to Pieces by "Velvet Revolver"

It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been alone here
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling

Monday, August 16, 2004

a long title for a short song about you who messed everything

i wrote this for you
but theres nothing more to say
im lying
and im dying
save me
im drowning

im bloated and blue
and theres nothing more to say
leave me wondering...

by the way...


Sunday, August 08, 2004

Jack In... Its Been A While...

Well its been a while since i wrote something here... my tests are done so expect me to post a lot again...

the past week were hectic and damn straight stressful... ive been doing a lot of studying, cramming, projects, and that sort of stuff... school stuff... another thing that kept me busy was these dudes are the best, its a whole new soccer world there, from legends to a prediction league that they thought of. anyway their site is getting bigger as i post, and i got through the cut to be in the news crew. id be posting news to cover aint that great?

i have been doing a lot yesterday too, i went with my pop to wind up in the sauna, then after that a soothing sweedish massage. by the time i got home, i borrowed dvd's from my brother to keep me busy. these are some of the movies i watched yesterday.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

this movie is sheer class... a spoof of the arthurian tale the quest for the holy grail. i loved the part when the knights who say "ni" appeared... this movie is quite a classic, but a must watch. rated this movie 93% fresh!

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

better than the holy grail... hilarious movie about brian. the movies timeframe was during the time of Jesus, so you know what the topic is. just "always look at the bright side of life... *whistle*. rated this movie 97% fresh!!!

i might look for more monty python dvd's. he is a comic genius! anyway thatll be it... cherrio, toodeloo... and NI!!!!

Other Monty Python Movies The Full Monty and The Meaning of Life

Friday, July 09, 2004

How to make a marco

How to make a marco
1 part friendliness
5 parts courage
3 parts energy
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add lovability to taste! Do not overindulge!

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

"The Brillant Dance" by Dashboard Confessional

So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.
So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.
So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.
And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time.

Friday, July 02, 2004

EURO 2004 Finals

the set is staged, the players are ready... its time to know who is the best in europe... and come july 4th portugal and greece will battle it out in lisbon.

so far heres the recap... portugal, after their 2-1 loss with the greeks came out, changing their tactics, they won every single match eliminating england and holland.

and as for the greeks... after coming out of the group stage knocking out spain... they stunned czech republic last night with a 1-0 goal by traianos dellas during extended time.

thats a short recap... and as for the favorites (spain, italy, france, england, holland, czech...) better luck next time...

Monday, June 28, 2004

Buried Myself Alive by The Used

You almost always pick the best times
To drop the worst lines
You almost made me cry again this time
Another false alarm
Red flashing lights
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die
I think I made it a game to play your game
And let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the inside
So I could shut you out
And let you go away for a long time

I guess it's ok I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that

I think the chain broke away
And I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine
But it was worth the night
I caught an early flight and I made it home

With my foot on your neck
I finally have you
Right where I want you

Sunday, June 27, 2004


you didnt say anything
anything in particular
that you have moved on

you left me hanging there
dangling along the air
nothing left for me and i

shot myself on the head
and then im lying dead on my bed
just trying to get my mind
off of you

you couldve said something girl
i know i called you before
something messed up my mind

why are you hiding there
im just standing here bare
you stripped me my pride and i

shot myself on my bed
and then im lying bleeding on my head
just trying to get my mind
off of you

i have wasted
my time
just to keep it alive
i have wasted
my soul
just to love you more
i have wasted
my life
asking you to be my wife
i have wasted
have wasted
everything i built

just for you...

and i...

shot myself on the head
and then im lying dead on my bed
just trying to get my mind
off of you

shot myself on my bed
and then im lying bleeding on my head
just trying to get my mind
off of you

you couldve saved me...
but its too late...

Friday, June 25, 2004

apology, maybe

why are you hiding girl
why do you have to make everything blur
anything bad i did that occured
if i did anything tell me girl

why do you have to be obvious
at least tell me, so i wouldnt be curious
alone and oblivious
unaware and keeping me away of anything glorious

hate me, you made me
the dreamer i am, you made me
forsake me, shake me
cant take this away, you made me

why do you have to be obvious
at least tell me, so i wouldnt be curious
alone and oblivious
unaware and keeping me away of anything glorious

hate me, you made me
the dreamer i am, you made me
forsake me, shake me
cant take this away, you made me

alright, sorry for what i did
if theres anything, or i might have offended you
thats it, this is my final bid
i told you im sorry thats it
whats next? come out, and open that lid
talk to me, dont leave me blue
i feel like a piece of shit
i come clean, im just sorry for what i did
if theres anything i did...

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

... EXACTLY!!! ...


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

hehe morpheus? matrix?
god of dreams? dreamer? what a coincidence :D

So Impossible by: Dashboard Confessional

So she says
"Everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if I come
with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you
out of the classroom wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things like..
Do you do you like dishing the dirt
on the whole class or
talking the big smack or
playing the fool or
wearing all of the latest fashions
or bucking the new trends
wearing your old threads or
if you like coffee in the evening
These are a few things that I'd like to know
that I'd like to know"

So I say...
"I've been scheduled to work but I'll call in
and my friend isn't busy
he'd be happy to join me
and maybe my friend
and your friend
will hit it off or maybe we will?"

I'm dying to know
do you do you like dreaming of things
so impossible or only the practical

or ever the wild
or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with
someone you care about

and do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just
don't quite fit in
yeah do you like them
So yes, I'll see you there.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

bring me to where you are

its been months since your gone girl
and i know what we had, its special girl
a thrilling ride, you had my world whirll...
still cant believe your gone girl

still dreaming, of you not leaving
hold me, carry me, bring me to where you are
im screaming, shivering,
im alone in the cold girl...
bring me to where you are

im missing you
more than a man could be missing you
hold me, once again let me kiss you
embrace you, spend time...
alone with you...

still dreaming, of you not leaving
hold me, carry me, bring me to where you are
im screaming, shivering,
im alone in the cold girl...
bring me to where you are

i still remember that kiss
i know, i felt bliss
that was before...
once again let me hold you at least
im down on my knees, and beggin you please...

baby girl im dreaming, of you not leaving
hold me, carry me, bring me to where you are
im screaming, shivering,
im alone in the cold girl...

...bring me to where you are...

its been months since your gone girl...

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Come Around

lost for words
feeling pathetic and absurd
what happened to my world
circling around you like before

years and years i have wandered
along the road i crashed and burned
i should have learned, before
girl im concerned,

im not coming around
no matter how hard i try, girl im bound
help me, im screaming aloud
hope you come around

never been the same
ever since you came
into my life, it seems strange
something about you i cant change

i know i could have layed it all down
quit, and stayed on the ground
i break, stand, chase you, follow you around
i cant help it, im concerned

im not coming around
no matter how hard i try, girl im bound
help me, im screaming aloud
hope you come around

everywhere i go id look for you
every message i recieve id pray its you
every call i answer i hope its you
call me crazy, but...

im not coming around
no matter how hard i try, girl im bound
help me, im screaming aloud
hope you come around


school... blah!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Believe it or not, Quinito Hensons predictions is right. And mine is... well... anyway...

the championship is back on the east coast. as far as i remember the west dominated the nba since jordan left the bulls. and now its back, and motown is on top. some say it cant be done, some say they wont stand a chance. lets see who's the b*tch now... the pistons dont have them superstars, they dont even have them superstars that have 90+ ratings on ea sports'nba live 2004, but they had the heart. the pistons saw the chance and they took it finishing strong 4 games to 1.

it all began on game 1 when detroit crushed every laker fans dream of a sweep. the pistons proved that they are not for show but they told the world that they are for real and they are here to stay.

came game 2, it shows that the lakers is having a hard time to win games against the pistons because they had to force an overtime, and its all because of kobe's lucky three pointer.

then the pistons now have their 3 games at detroit... game 3, they finished big keeping the lakers below 70 points... game 4 they had fun and the lakers couldnt do anything to stop a rampaging rasheed wallace. game 5, the moment of truth where every starter of the detroit lineup scored double digits, even the 6'9 ben wallace scored 18 points and grabbed 22 rebounds. chauncey billups won the finals mvp with 21 points and 5.2 assists per game.

after the last second, i can see kobe crying again and shaq walking off the court looking down. i didnt get to watch because i have to go to school, anyway theres a replay anyway. its true that defense wins championships... (and that goes for you real madrid... its defense that wins championships... now go get that trebbel next season forca real!) congratulations for the nba champions the detroit pistons!

photos from and

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

EURO 2004!!!

so far heres the recap

group a

greece 2 - 1 portugal
spain 1 - 0 russia

group b

croatia 0 - 0 switzerland
france 2 - 1 england
"woah, 2 zidane goals during stoppage time!!! now thats a crushing defeat"

group c

sweden 5 - 0 bulgaria henrick larrson hat trick
italy 0 - 0 denmark underdog who?

Delayed Game 3 and 4 :: Hooray For The Pistons

the outcome of both games is the same, the only difference was, game 3 was a blowout... game four is somehow closer. detroit now leads 3 games to 1, and game fve will be at the palace in auburn hills... will history repeat itself? will the underdogs beat the star studded lakers? or will the lakers force game 6... lets see tomorrow if the bad boys will bring another championship at detroit... lets see if the beast from the east will go home with the trophy, will it be detroit '04 tomorrow?

Thursday, June 10, 2004

NBA Finals Game 2 :: An Upset For The Underdogs

well the outcome was inevitable. it seems that when the going gets tough, the pistons collapse. they were seconds away for a 2-0 lead against the lakers, yet they stumbled. and yet kobe did his late game heroics (damn you kobe!!!). i was in my 11:00 class when the game is on its way. so i just looked at the stats via and there, we were cheering for the pistons. we thought that the pistons had the 4th quarter packed, and the lakers back sobbing inside their locker room, but nooo.... kobe had the pistons. with kobe's heroic 3-pointer, the lakers sent the game to OT. and there it all happened... the pistons stumbled, and got nailed on their 89 point mark, while the lakers kept on scoring their 2-0 lead out. and guess what? lakers won... its an upset for the underdogs.

heres a little spice for game 3, derek fisher aint 100%, he is suffering from a knee injury, and theres a posibility that he might not play on game 3. payton isnt himself. and theres no point guard left but... luke walton...

DET 91-99 LAL OT
Box Score

recap and box score linked from

Tuesday, June 08, 2004


Here, i walk away from you
tired and weary of all the things we did
tired of waiting for your return
im leaving the place that was once ours

here, im trapped inside
i thought i could break of you
thought being away could heal
still my love hooks me up, i couldnt walk further

looking behind i couldnt leave the thought
seeing the place, i couldnt place another step
still hoping, coping to reality that your gone
doesnt help, your gone, im alone, asking you come home

fool to think i could break of you
damage inside still i act cool
i have to run girl, im leaving too
away from you, we have to part ways

same old routine
its no surprise no more
i have to go...
see you around...


Monday, June 07, 2004

NBA Finals Game 1 :: I Stand Corrected

mmmmm... hot soup... well there goes game 1 and there goes the homecourt advantage of the lakers. well the pistons did their job in fact they did a very good job. they man handled the lakers to their first home court loss in the playoffs this year. they contested every shot that the lakers attempted. the pistons gave the lakers a hard time, they were never intimidated by the prescence of 4 all stars in their line up neither did the championship banners that is hanging on top of staples center. the pistons gave their a-game and they proved their worth of the eastern conference champions. the dynamic duo of the lakers, kobe and shaq, scored 59 points and their supporting cast including the 3 points from payton and 4 points of malone totaled to 16 points. now thats defence.

is history repeating itself? or its just sheer talent and determination that came from the east?... surely the bad boys are in town, and they're no hoax.

DET 87-75 LAL
Box Score

recap and box score linked from

Sunday, June 06, 2004


almost every student around is preparing for the coming of tomorrow. the start of another school year is just around the corner. in 12 hours, ill be in my uniform, sitting on an arm chair and listening to the proffesors mumblings. a rainy day to start all of it, i can tell because its raining hard tonight.

summer has officially ended and tomorrow i will face the stories of my friends on what they have done, or how they spent their summer vacation, and oh, i might be writing essays about them also. whats new? every year same old same old.

to cut it all short, goodbye bed... see you soon hehehehe

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Patiently Waiting

im on the other end waiting
for you, i told you i would
i did everything to please you
everything girl, but neither could

im dying girl, you never even called
just a word ive been waiting
just a greeting, that would stop me messin
girl, im slippin im missin you

longing to see you, i wanna know
if u still care, im still at home
damn cant you see im alone?
still you cant bother to call

just say it and id do it
leave you, forget you
its painful, but i would
im not mad, its just that you did leave me

theres nothing i could do
were in different area codes
id just sit here sad and blue
in my heart im carrying this heavy load

nothing more could be said
i dont even know if u still know me
nothing more could be done
but im still here, and im patiently waiting

My NBA Finals Predictions

Bag the chips, grab your beers, call some friends, the NBA Finals 2004 is just around the corner. Coming June 6th, the Pistons and the Lakers will battle it all out bringing everything for the Gold.

:: The Analysis ::

Detroit won the conference finals against the Pacers is 6 games, and Lakers won it in the West also with 6 games.

I can see that the Lakers will take it home in 6 games, most likely. With Detroit already having a hard time to win it big in the conference finals with the Pacers, I'd say they wouldnt stand a chance. I hate to say it, but they cant even finish the games above 90 points. And thats against the Pacers, put in the likes of Kobe, Shaq, Payton and Malone on the opposition, how will they plan to take the gold home? I mean they won big and i mean big! They went to war and sent the Twolves packing, and they're already a big team with a lot of talent, and still the Lakers managed to win it above 90. I just hope that Dumars is happy with the silverware because i wont bet they'll take home the gold.

:: My Predictions ::

Game 1: @ LA

The so called "Bad Boys" is having they're first finals appearance and they're hyped up. Knowing that they have players dont have the finals experience at all, the Lakers will go home happy and the Pistons will watch the tape of this game with coach Larry Brown.
Lakers win 90-79

Game 2: @ LA

The Pistons will come back with a vengeance, but that wont give them the win. They'll play defense, and take care of Shaq inside. But dont forget that there are still others in yellow who can still score and crush your dreams. Detroit will give em a fight. But that wont be enough to stop em at Staples. The Lakers will have they're 2-0 lead.
Lakers win 88-80

Game 3: @ Detroit

Yeah, the Pistons are back in Auburn Hills and the Lakers will wish they are back home. Because Chauncey, Rip, Prince, and Sheed will take em behind the perimeter. Pistons will get theyre win 2-1, But the Lakers will finish close.
Pistons win 85-80

Game 4: @ Detroit

Naaah... The Lakers will bag this one. The Lakers will know the essence of the Pistons offense, and theyll take it inside and outside. Theyll outscore the Pistons in the paint. Lakers win 90-76

Game 5: @ Detroit

The Detroit will be back on their toes and they'll play defense this time, and cut the Lakers championship hopes for 1 game. Detroit will play the best game they'll ever play since the conference finals. They'll shut down the Lakers in game 5. They'll give em turnovers and put the Pistons on the fastbreak. They'll outrun the Lakers and win this one 93-87

Game 6: @ LA

The Lakers are back home, and they like the crowd in Staples to share the confetti shower with them. Handshakes from the blues and hugs from friends. congratulations said to the long awaited 4th championship of the Lakers. 4-2
Lakers will win this one 95-80

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

NBA: The 2004 Playoffs Roundup

it was all the san antonio spurs fault, not to finish the lakers. now i know that you know that i am a laker hater, and i am damn proud of it. i mean the spurs already had the lakers on the ropes with a 2-0 lead but then they opened something and let the lakers in with a 4 game win.

next its the twolves and the sacramento game, it was a well fought game but it couldve gone the other way. i mean if the kings never stumbled by the end of the regular season the playoffs couldve gone the other way around. they couldve met at the western conf. finals. its sad to see them battle something meaningless, to meet the lakers on the finals.

the eastern conference are already fighting for their own finals... its the only way that they could get a trophy anyway, in one way or another itll go to the star studded, ring hungry lakers. with malone and payton, who is by the way is fighting tooth and nail for their rings, kobe, shaq and the rest of the lakers who is looking for revenge for last years upset, their invunerable for their 4th title. what else could you expect?

earlier this day i just saw the wolves fell, i didnt see their hunger, i didnt see their determination to win, or they just couldnt handle the phil jackson led team. my brother was right, they dont have "it" to win yet, maybe give em a year or two, or give em shaq, now they have "it" to win. although they had a good season, they finished the best of the west (with their record that is), getting past the 1st round, and beating the kings in 7 games in the second round, and they dont have "it", what is "it" anyway? an unmeasurable thing? leadership? hunger? they have players like sprewell, casell, olowakandi and garnett being the mvp... still no "it"? wtf is "it"??

thats it, first sacramento went down, then the spurs went down (shiiiit), then the wolves... i wont be expecting something from the east, why wont they just give it back to la and start a new season damnit!

Since Your Gone

eversince your gone
i just felt undone
feeling i could just blow a gun
that your gone...
i couldve let you stay
turn back the time i pray
if i may
do it my way
uninspired, thats how i feel
that your gone
something in my heart, it peels
your love i felt, youve shown
looking at oblivion
hiding tears that the wind has blown
told you that id be happier
go and chase your dreams
a hug then it gave you laughter
now i suffer
of being better
without you from now till later
still i cry from trying
saying ur still here, im lying
by any chance that im still crying
the wind blows my tears from hanging
looking up, the wind just blown
my final tear, since your gone

Towards the End

nothing lasts forever
including these days
that i once anticipated to start
now dreaded to end soon
bringing me back to what i used to call life
back to the arm chair
with professors passing notes from his to mine
not wisdom, notes
back to being a slave of the system
a system that you cannot defy
even if you try
youll end up dry...
and as we run towards the end
and we see that line that we are supposed to cut
we start to run fast
never looking back
with the wind rushing to our faces
our paces start to increase
as our feet start to grease
and we feel the breeze
towards the end...
afterwards we wheeze...
trying to catch air, as we breathe heavily
that is the place that i fear most
suffering rather than holding the moment
more laps please
still wanting this to end
than crossing that line
and going back to life...

its near guys, hehehe five more days and our first 4 days in school starts. cherish these moments while you still can, hug your pillow and tuck inside your blankets as hard as you can, because thats how you'll miss em throughout the day, i know i will... sleeping while the sun is still up... sigh...

Monday, May 31, 2004

I Found This Fun


1.Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16.Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29.Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

31. You : One who gets paid for reading such things.....

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Futbol Season Ender Roundup

the futbol season is nearly ending and teams are preparing for a brand new one this year.
with teams disappointed like real madrid, are looking for something the fans will look up to next year. but before the player deals, lets start congratulating this seasons winners of the top leagues in europe.

in england arsenal bagged the premiership finishing without a loss. arsenal finished top with 90 pts, chelsea came in second with 79 pts, followed by man utd, 75 pts, and liverpool came in fourth with 60 pts.

in spain, valencia (77 pts) won while real madrid (70 pts) kept on slipping til they dropped to the fourth place in la liga tables. fc barcelona finished as the runner ups with 72 pts, then deportivo la coruna with 71 pts, and then real madrid finished fourth.

in italy, ac milan bagged the serie a title with 82 pts, roma came in second with 71 pts, juventus 3rd with 69 pts, and inter milan came in 4th with 59 pts.

the champions league finished with a bang when porto won against the french side as monaco 3-0. the two clubs suprised me when they got into the finals by beating the biggest clubs known today. monaco defeated real madrid while porto crushed ac milan.

in the uefa cup, valencia bagged the title by beating the french marsielle 2-0. and i can say that this has been a good season for valencia.

now the deals, and speculations

as a big fan of real madrid i am disappointed for their performance this year, and im speaking for all the madridistas around the world. they made a big change right after the season ended. the whites finally signed a defender in the name of Walter Samuel, Il Muro. acquired from roma, Samuel promises real fans a better defence next season.
Right after Real Sociedad won against Real at home, Real fired Carlos Quieroz an hour later. and signed a José Antonio Camacho as the new manager taking over Real Madrid.

Jose Mourinho, manager of FC Porto, was signed by Chelsea days after Porto won the Champions League.

FC Barcelona axed 4 of their Dutch stars, Patrick Kluivert, Philip Cocu, Marc Overmars, and Reizeger. and hoping to sign David Trezeguet and Michael Ballack to fill the gap the Dutch stars left.

In a surprising move, Juventus on Friday named Fabio Capello as its new coach following the resignation of Marcello Lippi at the end of a disappointing season. Capello had one year remaining on his contract at debt-ridden rival AS Roma - a team he had pledged to remain with just last week. The 57-year-old Capello, who played for Juventus, had joined Roma in 1999 and led the squad to the Serie A title in 2001. He formerly had success coaching AC Milan, which he led to four Serie A championships, and Real Madrid, which he led to the Primera Liga title.

Better? Bitter

i kept your pictures
for me to forget you
now i suffer
im feeling bitter
im out of one-liners
and write something better
somehow i litter
write, scribble, then jitter
uninspired, i throw papers
now im a troubled dreamer
i thought without you ill be better
cant you see im bitter?
waiting for you to write a letter
to help me make me feel better
and im feeling this love sick jitter
nothing could be sweeter
to be with you later

Friday, May 28, 2004

From The Notebook #1

stupid i know i am, its true
stupid to fall for someone who could never love me too
stupid i am, theres nothing i can do
its sad to know im stupid because of you

Memoir #5 "Last Weird Encounter"

have you ever dreamt about watching yourself sleep? well last night, i know i took a pee and when i got back i saw someone sleeping on my bed, and that someone was me, so i sat down and watched myself sleep. and when i woke up i saw myself in the same position as the one that i saw in my sleep. get it?

i told my gandma about this and you know how they explain weird stuff right? theyll say weird stuff abt it too... you know, "pamahiin". so she told me that maybe i got up to pee quick that i left my body sleeping. see? two weirds dont make 1 right. so if someone has a damn good explanation abt this please do... or im just paranoid or something haha.

anyway, yesterday, i went to school to reserve my subjects, and he just wrote my name on a piece of paper and thats it. unlike last year you have to go around signing papers and shit... then we went to CAP. there i saw the indiana and detroit game, the last minute was tough, it was neck to neck until indiana starts fouling rip hamilton, then detroit broke away. anyway, after a long wait, i finally got my check... and guess what, theyre only shoulderig the 57% of my tuition. damn! so my parents are paying for the other 43%. and thats big. what i dont understand is that they use to pay almost everything of my tuition, and now this? i dunno... somethings wrong abt it.

we ate lunch at kfc coz im craving for their gravy haha, the gravy is the reason why i chose kfc, and the chicken is second. :D. after lunch we bought pants, socks, shoes, everything i need for the next school year, i felt like a kid again. i miss shopping clothes for school. i got a nice pair of leather shoes, with the price? its gotta be good hah! oh and by the way? its a bass... i just have to say that :D.

and by the way? for all you soccer fans just a champions league final update, FC Porto won against AS Monaco, 3-0. for full details Click Here

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Memoir #4 "The Final Flight of The Wanderer"

well today it finally sunk into me that summer is about to end, although you can still feel the heat outside, its goin to end soon. im 1 week away from goin back to school. well i got some late plans with my friends, a tagaytay trip on june 2 helps me to start all over with my blockmates. its been a while since i last saw them and i know what theyll notice first. i know i gained some 10 pounds but i dont care, i think everybody did, at least somebody is still fatter than me. hah! anyway, thats a bit off topic dont you think? well im not yet officially enrolled and i fear that i lost my sched today, hopefully the registrar wont start bitchin around tommorow coz CAP doesnt have enough money to support them CAP scholars. they said theyll issue the check on june 2, its like wtf? man thats way too long, i might run out of subjs to enroll... can you bliv it? CAP ran out of dough?!? thats whack haha! i hope they wont go bankrupt coz they gotta pay me back what my parents paid them once i graduate next year! they hafta gimme my refund back :D

i went back to the gym coz i know, i gained pound or two? maybe more right here *shakes belly*. and i got a whole new soccer season way ahead of me next year. i need to get back to shape! anyway, im thinkin abt quittin man, with my heavy subjs and i still have to train? i dunno yet if ill retire early, but its a lot of work bein serious with studies and playin futbol. ill see if i can still mix them up. its kinda late workin out right?

anyway i just got home from the gym, and i got my whole body achin, so ill end this with a ... 3...2...1... *poof!!!*

Memoir #3 "Sick, Tired, Wasted, Bloated"

its 1:20 pm, and i just woke up from an after breakfast nap. im not feelin well and i feel that my head is all bloated and heavy... it fuckin hurts. my whole body's achin, and i got this sinus runnin... what the f*** si wrong with me? drowsy, everything heavy, including me of course. i couldnt laugh, i couldnt leave the bed for some reason. i dunno if this is the "malapit na school" jitters or i just miss her so bad. a couple of beers can lay me outta here, but wait i just remembered that im not much of a beer drinker so i gots no escape, im trapped here in this world where everything about to go wrong. wish i had a gun by my side so i could just blow all of em away. a second is all it takes to put a bullet in my head. a second more then im dead. get me outta here, get me outta here...

help me if you can
grab hold of something and reach my hand
pull me up if you can
im trapped here in nowhere land
quickly, get me outta here
sick and tired, begging you please
hand me a couple of beers
so i could snap and take away my leash
being dragged, being mugged
everything i believe in, dumped
stop me from retaliating
and it all starts with heavy breathing
will you take me if i die?
will you carry me from where i lie?
it all starts with one cry..
let it end, dont make me fry
im on my knees begging you
take me away from here

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Memoir #2 "Done For Today"

woah! i just noticed that its already 11:15 pm, damn time flies when ur workin on something. well i finished workn on the layout and some addons on this blog i hope yall like it. but on top of that i just got my sched this morning, and i have to say that the enrollment system has changed and it just took me 1 1/2 hours to finish step one to step 3, before it took me all day! and i finished step 4 before lunch break. its a good improvment on their part. its well organized this year, the adjustment routine should be changed coz it took me all day long to finish yesterday. anyway enough bout that i got to see some of my friends early this mornin, and damn i cant wait to go to class again, well back to my sched, its good and bad in a way, my sched from mon to thurs is 11 pm to 430 pm, its good in a way that i dont get to wake up early in the mornin, bad coz the traffic sux by that time. anyway thatll be it for today, ima hide under my blankies and dream abt trees :D

Monday, May 24, 2004

Memoir #1 "Ready or not Here I Come"

just got home from advising for the school. and our dep head just said nothing but very good that im still a regular, a super regular student to be exact, hah... im just starting to make a name for myself, i hope i can make a name for the school im in though, i kinda need that "NAME". another friend of mine told me that i got all these talent but im not really in a good team, in other words, im really good and the school is not worth studyin in. i dunno man, but i kinda like it here, except for the freakin enrollment system... well heres the freakin story, i arrived bene around 8 am, so i went to the registrar to get the advising form that costs 5 bucks. that took a while, lets say 20 minutes, then when i got to the dep office, i got a number and its already 116, they started at 86 anyway so i figured that it wont take a while. me and 3 friends of mine went to kfc to get somethin to eat. then a friend told me that theyre already at 92, so i think we better get there to get that thing over with. maybe 30 minutes later and we arrived back at the office, and theyre just entertaining number 94, i mean 2 numbers in abt 45 minutes? that is whack!!! 12:00 pm and theyre just in number 97... got tired of waiting and we ate lunch. chilled around atc for a while to waste time instead of waiting. we went back just in time, number 115, and im up next, mr. 115 went up and told me that im next, but... when i reached mr dep heads office someones there!!! and mr dep head gave me a funny look saying what are you doing here? im like, fuck man im number 116! and im supposed to be next! no choice so i went out and wait for my turn, 10 minutes passed nothings happenin, 20 mins still nothin, 1 hr? still freakin nothin... 1 and a half hour?? fuckin nothing!!!! 2 hours shes done, then number 107 and number 113 came so i hafta wait again... i know... daaaamn... at last my turn came and it only took 20 seconds to finish everything up... y? coz im a fuckin regular and they aint... i mean why wont they advise the regs first then the irregulars... itll make things faster and easier... tomorrow will be enrollment, another day of spendin precious time waiting in line... i know i dont want to but i have to... haha so before i whine more "ill just end this shit with a fuck you and have a nice day" -8 mile-

Saturday, May 22, 2004

And I Am But A Broken Man

born in a place where cruelty is just
where men do nothing but eat dust and cuss
every corner you find people see power and lust
and they tell us that they are just

ne'er will they see their people hunger
brother, they'll say they love you. dont bother
no longer, we trust them leaders who hunger
for power, they all the same, they never change
everyday, lie, cheat, steal and i say nay

born free, live free they tell me
fuck em, we no better than any g
let me do my thing, please let me be
let me eat, let me sleep
let not this be the future i seek.

i shout to you all up there, gimme back my trust
that was once firm and robust
instead of dissin some fools and cuss
you see a lot of people now hate your guts
why wont you just kill them and chew their nuts
coz thats where you are all alike, go home and rust
i hold a sign to nowhere or bust
either way i pity myself for livin here cuz

remember what happes today is same tomorrow
on a burrow these people live in sorrow
look at em please, please let em have something to munch on tomorrow

Friday, May 21, 2004


here and ther i see you
realized that i used to be there too
floating, and in every scene bloating
how i missed those days of bliss
now just memories to reminisce
yes, i close my eyes from time to time
still picturing out what might have been
yes, i cry from time to time
when reality sinks in and your not here
oh, how i long for you
for a second now is a second gone later
hug me...

once more...


this feeling, this strange feeling
its a whole thrill
the love i kept while i was waiting
like something you see on the reel
a hug, a kiss
your touch, ... bliss
romace, music, candles
the whole movie setting
a hug, a kiss
your touch... bliss
a walk along the park
a good talk before your door
a smack on the cheek
you know the drill
morning breaks
everythings gone
thats the deal
you sleep, you dream, its gone
wake up, it ends with a yawn


Thursday, May 20, 2004

What Seems To Boggle?

have you ever got up on a good nights rest and wonder alone in the dark? its a good night, had a tiring day, my eyes weary and heavy but it seems that something keeps me up all night. i know its a perfect time to rest, its cold outside and theres no one hear to bother... usually watching discovery channel helps. but it seems that the same routine tires sometime. even sting nor norah jones cant help me back under my bankets. what seems to boggle the dreamer to dream away? what seems to be the problem of closing my eyes and go back to dreamland where everything is perfect, where the things that i want to happen and the things that i want to do gets done? what seems to boggle? it seems that this long day would last. if only i could end this day with a nice one, or just a good yawn tommorow, or better yet a good yawn later. what keeps a tired man from his rest?

drank milk, counted sheeps
did my time, still no sleep
closing my eyes doesnt seem to help
moving from side to side doesnt seem to work
couldnt think what else would
if only i could just close my eyes again
and from there we will be together again
tired and weary...
and im waiting for this long day to end
help me dream, inspire me more
dont ever leave me troubled like this
a dreamer cannot be one with out one
leave me be
bring me back to where im fit for
leave me be
let me be a dreamer once more

Friday, April 16, 2004

Went Down Along The Sun

together along the shore
staring at the beauty of the sun
that painted the sky orange

we hugged,
we snuggled
together we dreamed
together we was

still thinking about it
why i didnt took some memories with me
why did i leave it behind
why did i threw it away

our dreams took us apart
different and far from each

now alone
back to the city
back to reality

far apart
never we will be close
two different places
will never be one

if i knew it was our last time together
i shouldve never left your arms
if i knew we could never see each other
i shouldve never parted my lips from yours

now alone
never we will be close
and now every time the sun sets
it grabs hold of me and grabs me down along with it

Saturday, April 10, 2004

The Untitled II

i kept on smiling
i kept on laughing
somehow i found myself hurting

alone in the piercing cold
running alone bold
searching for something to hold

still smiling
still laughing
somehow i managed to wander more

lost and weary
tired and hungry
try to pull myself together

breathing heavy
breathing slowly
it will come soon...

i felt something snap
knees folding
everything hurting

here i fought
here i lied
here i died

no one noticed
no one knew
no one saw me
no one not even you

you thought i was fine
but i was not
it was my fault
to hide it all

you saw me laughing
when i was hurting
i told you i wasnt alone
when i am by myself

it wasnt me
it was you
who stabbed me
and squeezed my life


Some Devil

One last kiss one only
Then I'll let you go
Hard for you I've fallen
But you can't break my fall
I'm broken don't break me
When I hit the ground

Some devil some angel
Has got me to the bones
You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Too drunk and still drinking
It's just the way I feel
It's alright
Is what you told me
Cause what we had was so beautiful
Feel heavy like floating
At the bottom of the sea

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Some devil is stuck inside of me
I cannot set it free
I wish, I wish I was dead and you were grieving
Just so that you could know
Some angel is stuck inside of me
But I cannot set you free

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Such a long and lonely time

Stuck inside of me

Sunday, April 04, 2004

The Untitled

here i am again
battling the tides along the way
sailing away
nearing a fork
torn to where ill be heading
i know ive been here before
i knew that i was running in circles
confused and lost in the tide
sail away...
sail away...

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

fairy tale

sometimes we cant stop thinking about something after watching a mushy movie... haha what if this happens what if that happens... i myself is a victim of this everytime i watch mushy movies.

thats why sometimes we have to watch out what we are believing in movies... maybe one day that particular actor will go out and candidate for presidency... anyway, these are all dreams. fairy tales if i may. where every moment is happy and it always end in happy endings. soulmates, fate, the inevitable... but sometimes its amazing how we end up seeing the same things from the big screen. we meet someone unexpected, then later, we find that we have similar opinions in such things as love... quotes, lines, phrases... same thing opinions and views, the same. its also unbelievable to know how it all happened. hehe well i guess sometimes fairy tales are real.

have you ever got that feeling when you met someone for the first time but then you felt that youve known her all your life? is it just me? hehe i just did. again the inevitable.

i did something silly before, hehe i was deeply in love with this certain person... and one time while lying alone on the shore where the stars gives you the mood of being in love. i just asked a star to fall if this feeling that i have with this certain girl is going to end up somewhere, particularly marriage... and to my surprise one fell hehe i doubted that star i asked another one then poof poof poof... 3 fell down simultainously... that was the time when i really believed in fate. it all broke down one day when everything i had was gone... a second present now... a second gone later... it comes and it goes...

they say love is an inspiration to jump. they say love makes the world go round... some say love is for fools... it all made sense at last... im a fool myself... love is really for fools... have you heard yourself talk when youre in love? you might laugh when you speak long and very meaningful words that didnt exist before. for me... love is the "i dont know" reaction... lost for words... for me thats love... why do i love this person... i dont know... because love dont come with reasons... its a feeling... a connection that exist between to people that are capable of feelings. thats love... we really cant derive words out of it... it is a dead word... love is love. :D well anyway... just a share of thoughts... have nothing to do here anyway... till then ta tah!

Monday, March 15, 2004

nearing the end

pressure, stress
pushes a man to the edge
stop the laughters
seriousness begins

begin to scream
begin to work
quit relaxing
quit loafing
it starts to end

walking out
running in
dont get lost in the crowd
might finish last

everythings a possibility
everythings an opportunity
grab the moment
seize the time left

begin to cry
begin to lie
quit relaxing
quit loafing
it starts to end

simple as that
everything changes
a second now
a second gone

time is of the essence
time is all that we need
ask more of it
ask to finish it

begin to scream
begin to work
quit relaxing
quit loafing
its fast approaching

time is of the essence
time is all we have wasted
shouldve done that before
shouldve finished it now

still relaxing
still loafing
pressure pushing
stress cutting

it could be now
it could be later
it could be tommorow
it could be never

tick tock
time clicking
begin to scream
begin to work

wanting relax
wanting sleep
eyes drooping
time needed
quit relaxing
quit loafing
theres time for it

time for relaxing
time for loafing
no more pressure
no more stress
when it ends...

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Last Cigarette

a huff
a puff
5 minutes gone...

standing alone...
thinking its gone...
waiting alone on this dark road...

a huff
a puff
5 minutes gone...

looking at the lighted stick...
waisting time in it...

a huff
a puff
5 minutes gone...

nearing its end...
im just around the bend...

a huff
a puff...
5 minutes done...

ditched the stick...
slowing its end...
soon i will be done...
and then im gone...

just like this cigarette...
burning slowly...

life is short...
and im rushing it...

just like this cigarette...
which im just finishing...

as i smoked my last one...
ill say goodbye...

for life is short...

Friday, March 05, 2004

sunday morning

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And i never want to leave

Friday, February 20, 2004

If I could just see you again... (R.I.P. MAX)

grief.... all i felt was grief... i usually dont feel any of this... but since he just passed away... all i felt was grief... never have i felt this way, when i opened my door... i still expect him to jum around me and asks me to kneel down so he can lick me all over my face... i will surely miss the way you jump at our legs when we eat our meals... and ill surely miss how much fun you have brought to our family... you will be missed...

tears... tears went down when i tried to sink it in me that youre gone... never again will you jump around and run all over the house... and never again will i hear the bark you will give when ever we came near that door...

pain... pain is all i felt when i went up to my room where i last saw you... pain is all i felt when i remember the thumping of your feet whenever i scratch your belly... and pain is all i felt when i think of you...

these are all i can feel right now... and this is all because that you gave up the fight... im sure your happy where ever you are dog... remember that all dogs go to heaven... and for sure... when i get there... greet me as you usually do when ever i went inside the house... ill give up everything just to scratch your belly again... i already miss you... and i just realize the pain of losing you... when its too late... i will never forget this day... when you were longing for a goodbye... when you were crawling with all of your strength between my feet... and i never even got a chance to cuddle you one last time...

rest in peace dog... see you when you get there... you will never be forgotten

Monday, January 26, 2004

Its Still A Wonderful Lonely World For Me...

A lot of my friends keep on asking me how i live and go along this life without somebody by my side. i just keep on smiling, and never giving them a thought or a word. well sometimes i give them my reasons, but all of them are just the outside. and if you happen to read this, well you got my smiles all wrong. right here is the inner depths of my heart and mind. all those thoughts that i kept on holding while im in public and where everyone who knows me and see me. its just a mask and im just a listener who is still in need of counseling.

the laughters, the gestures, and the smiles are the results of all the beauty of this world can offer. theres too much of it to stay depressed. and all of them are just there for you to find out. but when the sun goes down and the moon rises, gloom enters my heart. sometimes my loneliness eats me up, where i dont find someone to talk to. i just miss that certain person... thats all... i dont know why, i dont know how... but the times that i couldnt sleep... memories keeps on running through my head... just like now... i just dont want to talk about it...

cold is rushing in
the darkness creeping in
i couldnt stand this loneliness
alone and deserted in this mystery they call life
but i still wear this mask
the one you gave me
when im afraid to say something
or show something
a smile, a smirk, laughters, gestures...
a mask...

still here
looking around
walking alone
in this wonderful lonely world

Monday, January 19, 2004

When I Fall

I wish I could fly
From this building, from this wall
And if I should try,
would you catch me if I fall?

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

I'll Be Around

Words fall silent when no one will hear
Emotions are deadly when there's too much to fear
Touch a feeling and we feel again
To know the pleasure, we must know the pain

I'm going down for the last time
Open your eyes

Who's gonna hear you when you're callin'
And who's gonna catch you when you're fallin'
Who's gonna trust you
Well I'll be around for a while

And who's gonna heal you when you're bleeding
And who's gonna give to you when you're needing
And who's gonna love you
Well I'll be around for a while

When love lies bleeding only fools are bold
They search for pennies in a pot of gold
Faith is dying when no one's to trust
But your soul is crying
And it's glorious

It's coming down to the last time
Open your heart

Who's gonna hear you when you're callin'
And who's gonna catch you when you're fallin'
And who's gonna laugh with you
Well I'll be around for a while

And who's gonna warm you when you're freezing
And who's gonna hold you when you're screaming
And who's gonna promise you
to be around for a while

There you stand, drowning in the rain
Kidding yourself the wind don't sting
And all this time the thing you want is calling to you

I dig the way you take that storm
While spitting in the face of right and wrong
Well you could let down your defenses
When you're in my arms

You could my face
in my arms
You could dream on and on
in my arms
You would never be alone
in my arms
You could cry like a child
in my arms

Who's gonna hear you when you're callin'
And who's gonna catch you when you're fallin'
And who's gonna trust you
Well I'll be around for a while

And who's gonna mend you when you're broken
And who's gonna find you when you're stolen
And who will always love you
I'll be around for a while

And who's gonna shield you when it's rainin'
And who's gonna kneel with you when you're prayin'
Who's gonna feel for you
Well I will, I'll be around for a while

Who's gonna help you when you're tryin'
And who's gonna hold you when you're dyin'
Who's gonna beg you
To be around for a while

I Think God Can Explain

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that
I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes

The sent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry

I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed

I'ts alright I'm OK
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away

It's alright I'm OK
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get off of your back

I think God can explain

Monday, January 12, 2004

The Fork in The Old Road

going back...
back to where i lost it
back to the fork in the road where i lost myself
i stumbled upon memories
memories that i dont want to leave behind
i sat and took a rest
i took a good look at the places that we've been
i took a peek on how i looked like then
and i saw my eyes never leaving yours
and i looked at you just doing your old thing
i left and walked more trying to leave those
and then stumbled again to a memory that we have spent
all day long just you and me
all day long, giggling, laughing and smiling
i asked myself why...
why do i keep on looking back where i need to go is right in front of me
why do i keep on clinging to the past where i have lost my sanity
why do i still keep on loving you...
and by then i looked back to where you passed by a long time ago
and to the road where i left myself when i ran to you
i sat and thought whats it going to be
what road will i choose
i gave myself a moment
a moment to reflect and to think for myself
i walked back to the path where you went
and followed my heart
thinking i tripped and stumble along this road
and ill do it all again just to be with you...

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Somebody New

I met somebody new
And she was not like you
i left her
and then i found you
i thought this will be it
until you ran and found somebody else
i chased after you thinking what the hell
and its like im falling in a deep well
i miss those times i was with you
and that wont measure up w/ somebody new
and when i do meet up with somebody new
id tell her shell never measure up with you

Friday, January 09, 2004

NBA: Knicks-Suns Trade

For the New York Knicks. Im watching the Knicks-Rockets game right now, with Hou leading 107-78 with 1:00 remainin, and all i can say that the trade just made the Knicks worse. With McDyess gone, Van Horn is forced to play at PF. Van Horn is tall a spot up shooter but never a post player. He has the height but not the body which a power forward needs. Battling against the top PF in the league will be hard for Van Horn.
The former suns, Marbury and Penny. They are running players, and after the game i watched the Knicks is not a running team. The Knicks is a shooting team and do not play fast breaks as much as the Suns did. I observed Marbury is running after he gets the ball and looks for open players, but open and running players are nowhere to be found on the floor. Allan Houston and Keith Van Horn, the primary Knicks players, are not known for their fast breaks or penetration shots. These players are always looking for an open spot outside the perimiter. Thats why i think the former Suns are not that compatible in the NY lineup. They have a lot of talent in their roster, and my prediction is that they will start winning after a year or two. comment me if im wrong here.

For the Suns. They dont need Mcdyess, and i can see McDyess is still not back to his old Nugget form where he is strong in the post and grabbing rebounds. He may have an excuse because he just got off from his injury and may have his own jitters. But as a veteran you should know how to bring momentum for your team. Back to Phoenix not needing McDyess, they have Amare Stoudamire in their roster, which is injured upto now, and Gugliotta on their bench. They are overflowing with PF's. Marion is still playing good, and rising young stars such as Joe Johnson and Leandro Barbosa who is starting to step up for the Suns. Johnson the top scorer with 25 for the Suns yesterday against the Bucks, and Barbosa with 16 (which is the normal numbers for Marbury) is filling out the gap that Stephon and Penny left. I can say that Phoenix got rid of unecessary expenses for young and promising stars who needs their exposure.

The Suns got the best of this deal, sure Knicks got the names but the Suns got a future for their former bench players like Barbosa and Johnson. Now as Coach Rev said, Can i get a lay up?

Staying and Wondering

wondering where can you be
i havent heard from you for a while
i miss you so much
i hope you realize this feeling i have
dont mind me im just here
waiting for you
thats all you have been doing
not minding me
maybe because im just here
still wondering where can you be
youve been gone too long
i just want to talk to you
i just want to say how i feel
i cant let this go on forever
forever trapped inside me
where the burden is building
each and everyday its growing
wondering where can you be
havent heard from you for a while
please im begging you
give me a ring
just say to me hi
then say goodbye
then ill be by myself again
waiting for you
just here... right here
all i have to do is wait
for my feeling to fly away
wondering where can you be
my love where are you
just tell me where you are right now
and ill be right here waiting

"sometimes i think that im dumb, or maybe retarded. sometimes i think that im not. sometimes i think im loved, but then again, maybe not. hey i know you know who you are... all im saying im just right here waiting..."

Thursday, January 08, 2004

The Thursday Morning Kick-Off

Thinking about the NCAA-South is just around the corner. and our team is really out of shape. Take a look at me, sure i do know how to dribble, pass, shoot, and make alot of fancy moves when not pressured. And for sure, our opponents in that tournament will always pressure someone who is likely to fumble while dribbling the ball. I also lack consistency on my games. Some games i do wear my gameface, but only when forced to. A lot of times im that goody goody two boots football player who wont hurt a chick. My point is how will i survive with this kind of mentality and pressure running through me? We'll know because the league is already starting two weeks from now. My rookie debut as a football player. My time to shine, or whine, or whatever.

Later we will have our weekly practice, and thank God our coach will be there again. I remembered last Tuesday when our sweeper (lets hide him in the name of Terminator, because thats what he usually do to forwards, he Terminates them... literally) nearly ended the career of three high school players. I saw the spoil, the way they moaned and grinned in pain, and the way the terminator stared at them with no emotions. I'll have to give it to the Terminator, because thats what sweepers do... the sweep the m**th**f**ck**s off of their feet. I had mine last year, it nearly got me out of the line up for NCAA-South.

Lets go back to thinking about it. Where was I? Our out of shape college team. We had our fun in the pitch, had a few serious games, and when i say few i say few, and had a short time for serious training. But honestly, we lack experience, some of us resistance which is really necessary for the whole 90 minutes in the pitch. Again thinking about this make me sweat my ass off. I cant stay that long, i cant even stay for a whole half! I admit, Im huge, im slow, but im strong.

Well enough about this and lets go to one of the funniest highlights of the past year. We all know about our noisy, hyper friend La Rosa. And we also know the moronic idiot who cant speak a damn word clearly, Dy also known as the Yakuza, The Last Samurai, or simply the Idiot in school. Did i mention that he's a pathetic loser? Ok here it goes. It was just narrated to me by my friend who would liked to be called "DAO". It all began to La Rosa calling Dy "The Last Samurai" for maybe 50 times a day? i dont know but all i know that it is hella lot! Then blah blah blah and they end up fighting. First Dy tried to break La Rosa's left wrist, but it didnt work, no matter how hard Dy tried, it really... really didnt work. He huffed, He puffed and he even make a single bone snap. La Rosa got irritated and punched him smack down on the face. Dy, as a pathetic moron that he is, started to huff and puff and chased La Rosa until La Rosa bumped into the Vice Dean. Well the funny line from Dy is "Bakit ayaw mong magpasapak?" which is another reason that i can support my pathetic loser statement. Who the hell whould like to get him punched by a man who looks like an overgrown sloth?!? Can you see my point? That was it... The highlight of last year.

Its almost 9:30 here and im about to switch classrooms. The first period has ended, and ill put an end of this mumbo jumbo. Have a nice Day!!!

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

searching for myself

for once in my life
i have seen myself
weary and tired of the journey
thinking of giving up
thinking of sitting down
overlooking the tough path
theres still a thousand miles to go
looking for somewhere to rest
looking for somewhere to take a break
when all the time i was running towards her
i almost forgot what i am supposed to do
i chose the wrong forks in the road behind
i chose the path she passed
and not what i wanted to
i sacrificed my whole self
just to get to her
i sat down and thought
maybe i should just let her go...
let her live her own
and as for me...
ill go back
look for myself...
the way i am when i left it behind

-Wandering Dreamer-

The Untitled

i sighed and saw that it was still imposibble...
thinking about running away
from you that i always think of...
when all the time i was chasing you...
you that i miss the most
i cant help that i am so in love with you
leaving a thought that i could never be near you
now i ask for just one moment from you
to think about this for a second
a dream of mine yet to come true
or will it stay as a dream...
my a dream... just to be with you

-Wandering Dreamer-

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

This is My World

The look on your face
It could never explain your heart
And the touch of my lips
It could never tell u my thoughts

And U want me to change
I can't get used to
All U want me to be
I just can't pretend
To be anyone else
Cuz it's not really me

This is my world
This is who I am
And I'm not gonna give up myself
To make your life better

She said
This is how it is
I got my own life to live
And U can either accept me
Or baby

And if it's love
That we share
Then we can withstand all
The obstacles that life brings forth
And I will receive you
For who U are who u were
And baby who U will be

But U want me to change
Girl I can't get used to
All U want me to be
And I just can't pretend
To be anyone else, oh
Cuz it's not really me

This is my world
This is who I am
And I'm not trying to give up myself
To make your life better, now

This is how it is
I got my own life to live
And U can either accept me
Or baby

This is my world
This is who i am
And I'm not trying to give up myself
To make your life better

She said
This is how
I got my own life to live
And U can either accept me
Or baby let me go

U said I promise you the stars
And I'm
Giving you all I can now
U said love is not enough
And I know
U will see
If your life turns around
In my heart there is room for u

It's me and my world
This is who i am
And I'm not trying to give up myself
To make your life better

She said
This is how
I got my life
And U can either accept me
Or baby

This is my world
Who I am
And I'm not trying to give up myself
To make your life better, now

Oh, this is how
And I got my life
And U can either accept me
Or baby let me go

This is my world
My world
Baby let me go

Oh, this is who I am
Where I live
Got my own life to give

Oh, oh oh
My world
I'm not trying to change u
This is who I am
Please let me be me, yeah

-Darius Rucker-

shutting down...

as i lay me down tonight
with expectations of sleeping tight
thoughts swerving inside my head
making me squiggle on my bed

leave me be love of mine
and i will drink my wine
for so long i longed to live
alone again why wont you leave

i ask you to leave me be
for the moon reminds me of thee
love i have for you i wish to hold
but you wont let me own

as i lay me down tonight
soundly i sleep tight
thoughts swerving inside my head
peacefully i dreamt on my bed...

something that is nothing......

now everything is clear to me...
that something that is nothing is something you cant have...
probably that nothing is something...
probably something that really means something...
and im not pointing out at something...
but i do..
you just might be missing something...
something that is nothing...

-Wandering Dreamer-

a little bit too late...

there was a time that i thought i was just passing through
when all that time i was chasing someone
someone i have followed through the long and rough road
eventhough i am barefooted i just walked and ran
but somewhere along the road i tripped,
and i stand up and ran just to lessen the distance
but when i figured out that i am close enough just to tap her
she was not alone, but also having fun
i knelt and figured out that it was a little bit too late

-Wandering Dreamer-

Here Without You...

A normal day, the sun is perfectly shining until a friend of mine passed by
I took a peek on the drivers seat, and gave him a greeting and a handshake
he told me that i have to take a look at the back seat for there is someone who is for me
i looked and suddenly a gush of blood rushed through my body
there she is the girl of my dreams.
she hugged me as soon as i offered her me hand as a greeting
she drove her face down my shoulder, weeping.
i asked my friend what happened,
i didnt even wait for his reply and asked her what happened.
i took her out of the pick up truck and offered her a glass of water and a simple talk.
days passed by after that moment and we were together, as friends or more than that
everyday i saw her and i grabbed her hand.
i still see her sad and lonely, despite the fact that i am there with her
there were hugging and holding hands.
moments that i have thought of before
but never really happened until now.
she transferred to the same school i am with now
seeing her everyday, my heart again got up from a nasty fall she gave it last time
i cant believe this is happening.
we were holding hands as if we dont want to let go
until i opened my eyes, and it was gone.
i just layed there staring at the sky where the sun was rising
and i asked why...
it was just a dream...
and that night... i never really wanted it to be one...
the sad part is... eventhough it was a dream...
i never really gave a moment to tell her how much i love her...

-Wandering Dreamer-

something missing......

i just noticed after a good night sleep that something was missing in my life... something i can never say mine... something? someone like *you*... maybe just maybe... someday... someday...

-Wandering Dreamer-

Back to the same old thing i call life....

near the edge i stand
facing the brink of death i am
fighting away from what i call life
holding back not willing to give up
wind piercing, pusing me to fall
holding back not willing to give up
fighting away from what i call life
feet slipping, mud bracing
fighting away from what i call life
holding back not willing to give up
final blow of wind blew me away
screams and piercing wind gushed my face
inches from where death stand
water embraced me like a lost son
splashes everywhere saving me
waking me
telling me
go back to where you came from
i woke up this morning
knowing that this will be the last of them days
bringing me back to what i call life...

-Wandering Dreamer-

"Deja Vu"

As I was about to end my life, someone held me back. And that someone pulled me away from what I about to end. Life has been cruel to me, all life handed to me was pain and suffering, not physically but emotionally. But after that time when I was about to end it all, there is this one girl who called me and not to do what I am about to do. She was there, staring at me, and tear fell from her eyes. I don’t even know this girl but she held me back. She gave me a new beginning. She gave me life. But the way she looked at me, it seemed that I knew this girl before. As I was staring at her, she fell down to her knees and begged for me to step down. I did and I went to her. She looked at me with her teary eyes that made me weep. The way she looks at me means something, it seems that she is hurting more than I do. I helped her up as she was telling me not to do it. I got my hanky and wiped the tears off her eyes, I told her to stop crying, I told her not to worry about anything because I am staying and I am staying because of her. I will not forget the way she made me felt guilty that night. She made me think that my perception is just straight forward, where pain and suffering is seen. She took off my blindfold and made me see the beauty in this world. There are a lot of them to stay depressed. She never told me her name, and I never saw her again. I guess she was an angel sent by God for me, she was sent to keep me alive. Maybe she was my angel.

Days go by and people passed by, until I met someone I think I should follow. It was just a normal day, and I went to let time fly. I spent my afternoon wandering alone in the mall. Until I felt an urge to go to McDonald’s to eat. I forgot that I haven’t eaten all day. I stood in line just like everybody is doing. When I was next in line, the lady in front of me accidentally spilled her drinks on me. The changed man I am, I smiled at the lady and noticed something familiar when she looked at me. There is really something in her eyes that keeps me at peace, she felt sorry for me and offered to pay for my meal. I rejected the offer because it was no big deal. I was wearing black so the spilled drink is not that obvious. So I just asked tissue from the counter to wipe my self off. As soon as I got my order, I noticed that the place was crowded. I saw the lady was eating alone, I noticed that she seemed trouble with a lot of people around her. It looks like she’s new in town, so I asked if I could sit with her. She gladly accepted my offer and had a quiet lunch. I thought I should break the silence and crack a joke. She was startled the way I delivered it. I asked her if the joke bothered her. I asked her if the joke was corny, or is it a green one. A lot of bothering thoughts drove inside my head. Until she spoke that it was nothing. Maybe she was just startled by the way I tell jokes, loud. So I asked her name, and she told me that it was Angela. As soon as I got her name I gave her mine. She was really quiet, and I never got any information about her. She ate as if I was never there, I noticed that she never replaced her drink. I stood up and ordered another one. As soon as I got back to our table she was gone. She left me a note that says “thanks for the company, I hope I can repay you back for the kindness you showed a stranger today, I’m sorry about the accident, and thanks for getting me that drink, hope to see you again”. I smiled as soon as I finished reading the message. As soon as I finished up my meal I went home.

Still confused about the lady that I saw. She reminds me of someone I cant figure out. She’s probably someone from my high school. As soon as I got that thought, I got my yearbook and checked an Angela. No Angela resembles the face I saw. I found myself wasting time by figuring out who it was until I fell asleep.

The sun shone directly to my face waking me up. I got up fixed my breakfast and prepared for college. I remembered I used to call someone to remind her that I love her, I used to tell her to take care and don’t forget to eat, but now its just what I call memories. I found myself standing still while having flashbacks, and I have to cross that line to move on. I scrambled eggs and cooked hotdogs, I smiled knowing that that’s the only food I know how to cook, lunch and dinners are always fast food. It’s really hard to be alone. I prayed that someday ill meet someone who’s going to help me go through my loneliness, I asked him if I could be with someone who could cheer me up when I’m down, and someone who will be there all the time. Suddenly, rain poured after I said my last words, classes was immediately suspended. I sat down on the couch and see what’s on television, but there was none. The receptions are bad, the cable is down, and later on electricity was cut off. Wind began blowing hard, I think this is quite a storm that surprisingly appeared. After 3 hours, the rains and winds subsided. I predicted that if I stayed at home ill be totally bummed. And so I changed, and planned to waste time again at the mall. The mall is 4 blocks away from my house, so I’ll just bring my umbrella and wear my jacket I’ll reach the mall dry, not unless the rain pours again. After passing by 2 blocks I saw a lady drenched, and sitting near a light post having chills. I asked if someone already called an ambulance or nothing, but she never replied. I took off my jacket and I wrapped it around her, I picked her up and went back to my apartment to warm her up. As soon as I got back I got some of my clothes for her to wear. I left her locked inside my room as I was preparing coffee for her. As soon as she got out, I saw that she was Angela. Mysterious as she was, she broke the silence barrier that was keeping us from talking after a few minutes when she saw me. She thanked me for what I have done for her. She also asked me if she could stay here for a while. I fixed the other bed that was in my room and placed a blanket between the beds, just to keep our privacy. Since we don’t know each other that much. We had a good time talking over a hot coco and we got to know each other. Angela is 1 month and 2 days younger than me, she is about 5’3 with shoulder length black hair, and what alarms me a lot are her angelic face and her tame eyes that always catches my attention. She has a cute voice, and she really has bubbly attitude that makes me smile everyday I see her. I always thought that Angela is a quiet person, because when I first saw her, I thought she was clumsy and a quiet type of person.

The day drew in to close and the sun hid as the moon rose, Angela offered to cook dinner. I watched her make dinner. I can smell that it tastes delicious. After dinner I was so full and she was so glad to see me happy about the meal. why shouldn’t I, it was a delicious meal. Angela and I watched television together as it began to operate well again. We were having fun teasing low rated shows and mocking actors that don’t act well. She looked cute as she was laughing at me while I am doing my Marvin the Martian impersonation, she thought that I was really cute doing it and she made me do it all the time. The dark began to eat all lights outside, everyone is starting to sleep, and my companion is already asleep. So I slowly turned off the television and lay her tired body to bed… I took a quick shower to freshen up, I looked at her sleep peacefully, and I covered the space between us as I pulled the curtains I placed and laid down to bed. before I shut my eyes, I looked up through the roofs and imagining that God is up there expecting something from my mouth as he was smiling, and thanked Him for what he has done to my life. Everything changed, since Angela came in, as soon as I said the last word of my prayers I smiled at him as I thanked him again and sleep.

Morning broke and Angela was staring at me smiling, waiting for me to say good morning with my Marvin the Martian impersonation, but I never did. Instead I grabbed her by the head and played with her hair, I never had a morning that was filled with joy. I remembered that once I was trapped inside dark and gloomy room filled with misery, and now I am with Angela in a colorful and joyful room. At first I was lonely, but now I am not. All these thoughts ran through my head like cars outside, they come and they go. Well all I hope is that something I have now will stay. Good thing it was a Saturday so I don’t need to go to class. I have a lot of time to spend with Angela. As the day passes by, something inside me warms up when ever I am with Angela. I can feel my eyes sparkle whenever I see her, especially when she smiles, I can’t stop smiling too. I can see that harmony was with us. Were a perfect match. Were a match made in heaven just like everyone will say. Nothing goes wrong between us. And whenever we are together, there is a different kind of unison that is happening whenever we held hands. And He sent her to me, so I thought that it wont go wrong.

My love grew for Angela. Each and everyday, I am lying to myself. I got home from college after a few hours, I asked Angela to go with me. I went to the top of the apartment building where the moon is in full view. I told her that every night before you came, this place has been my sorrow place. But now I can feel the magic the moon is giving to every person who is in love. I looked at her admiring the moon. I drew closer to Angela. I took the risk to tell her how I am feeling at that time. I held her hands and drew it closer to my heart, as I was to say something she pulled her hands away. I took her hands again and asked her to look straight to my eyes. She tried to but every time she looks at me she turns away. I begged her to look at me for this night is special for me. As soon as she set her eyes on me, and my hands on her hands, I told Angela my true feelings and I told her that I lover her very much, I told her that without her I could die, that without Angela I could have hatred placed in my heart. Tears ran through Angela’s cheeks and rain began to pour. Angela turned away as my heart began to fail. Right there and then, I knew what was in Angela’s mind. So I stood and walked away, as I was about to leave the place, she spoke the words that I will never forget. She told me she’s sorry because she can’t love me back. She told me that even if she could it will never happen. Pain and suffering began to enter my emotions. I looked at her, and asked her that why only now, I asked her why only now when my feelings for deepens and how it spread through my entire being. I told her that each and everyday I’ve been thinking of you. I told Angela that if it weren’t for you I am never going to be this happy. Not waiting for answers and emotions taking place, I was about to end my life. I was about to jump and Angela held me back. Angela pulled me away from death. As soon as I touched the middle of the platform, she cried. Angela was there, staring at me, and tears fell from her eyes. She told me she was sorry. As soon as she was to say anything, I took my handkerchief and asked her to hush. I held her head close to me as I wiped her tears, and said. “Don’t cry no more, for your tears are my tears, your sufferings are mine, and the misery you felt are all mine, cry no more my angel, I will stay…”

--- END ---

“from darkness you pulled me out, from misery you made me smile. You gave me back the smile that wasn’t there when you came, I hoped you’d stay as I prayed for you to come. I hope that you’d be there always when I need someone as I promised myself that I’d be there for you. For I loved an angel who’ll never love me back, for I still love an angel when I know that I can’t be like that. My love for you my angel.”

-Wandering Dreamer-

Monday, January 05, 2004

"The Love That I Never Had"

There I was, standing in front of everyone inside a church. Everyone was dressed sharp and I can’t picture out what am I doing inside a church full of dressed people. The church organ began to sound as if someone was going to be married. The church door opened and I can’t picture out whom it was, the light was against my vision, and I can only see the figure of the person who’s entering. One is a woman and the other was a tall man, a father figure with a daughter who was about to get married. I saw myself standing in front of an altar beside my best friend. I’m still confused. Is this what I think it is? Am I going to be married with her? I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus on who she was. The organ began to play again and she started walking towards me. Everyone looked at her, I saw my mom looking at me weeping and smiling. I can say it was tears of joy. Beside her were a bundle of people I'm familiar of but I can’t tell who they were.

She began to draw closer to my sight; it was a long walk until I can see her. As she drew closer and closer to me a clear picture of her face began to appear. It was Kate. Kate? But I thought it’s impossible, because my last memory of her was she and her boyfriend was deeply in love with each other. She was my love that never was. It made me confused. What’s this? I cant understand any part of the situation I’m in. but still, there she was, standing in front of me. I looked through her and I can see her smiling, with glittering eyes. Are we in love? I know I love her but… its still impossible…the ceremonies began. The minister began preaching and doing the rites of marriage. I’m still confused but managed to smile. We told our vows, we attached the rings of commitment, the rings of forever. And the sun began to shine. I saw myself in my boxers and lying on my bed. I stood up quickly washed my eyes off sleep. I looked in the mirror and noticed that it was a dream. I checked my phone if there’s any message for me. I checked and there was a message from her. “I’m coming to town and I’m looking for a familiar face to be with while I’m there doing my business trip, mind if I bother you?” I replied quickly and right after the message was sent, a knock on the door shocked me. I began to dress properly. There she was with her bags and stuff. I picked it up for her as I asked her to come in my humble home. I was still a mess…she made fun of my hair and tried to fix it with her fingers.

After that dream and this, what is it trying to imply? I’ll leave that question to answer later. I made breakfast, just normal spam and eggs can do, for me, but I don’t know what to prepare knowing that the girl that I was trying to make me love me is right here. After cooking the meal I called her… there’s no answer, I went and checked out my room… “Breakfast is rea…. dy”. She was sleeping, I went out to get a blanket knowing that January is a cold month, maybe for them, for me who’s living alone everyday is cold. I laid a blanket over her and fixed the hair that was irritating her face. “I wish my dream will come true”. Sigh

Its already 11:00 and there’s no use of going to work that late, I might as well go to the grocery and buy stuff for lunch and dinner. After I bought the stuff I need I went home and there she was, preparing lunch for the both of us. I stood there in the door of my home and there she was, smiling. “Where have you been? Just finished cooking, lets eat!” looking at her act that way, she seemed to appear as my wife. Well, I sat at our dining table and we ate. She was smiling at me when I finished up my meal and asked for more, the food was perfect and she seemed glad that I finished it all up.
The whole day we were together, we shared experiences and stuff. We reminisced high school days, she was laughing and smiling. Some memories were sad some was fun, I cant believe that I’m spending the whole day with her, eating chips, drinking beer, sitting on the couch and talking nonsense, we’re just laughing our day out. That’s what I’m good at. Well night came and it was cold, she asked me to bring her to the night sights around the city. We strolled around the park and she was shivering, we sat at the park bench and I hugged her behind to keep her warm, without regrets she held my hand wrapped around her and she sighed. I looked at her and she seemed troubled. I asked her to go home and talk about what’s bothering her. After we hanged our coats and lit the fireplace, I fixed up some coffee for the both of us. I gave her my blanket and wrapped it around her; she sat beside me, laid her head on my shoulder. “I saw problems in your eyes awhile ago… what’s the matter?” I asked. “…” She never replied and I looked at her she was sleeping. I stayed beside her for the whole remainder of the evening.

Morning came and I found myself sleeping on the couch, a blanket on top of me and a pillow on my head. I stood up quickly, something, or someone’s missing, I looked around her and she was gone. Just like that.

The phone rang I picked it up and answered. It was Kate… “Sorry to leave you like that but I don’t want to give you any burden that I’m carrying right now… I should have told you but I chose not to… I don’t want to mess the life you are living right now….”

“Where are y…” *click *teeeeeet

She hanged up. I quickly changed, I looked for every phone booth that I know, but she was nowhere to be found. I ate my breakfast at the diner near the airport. And there was a familiar figure sitting alone at the corner… I whispered “is it her…”, “naaaah… its just my hallucination” why am I thinking like this? Why am I bothering to look for Kate, I don’t understand, I think I still have feelings for her. The dream… she came to my home… I think it fits well… I tried contacting her phone number but there was no answer. I tried calling her mobile number, she answered… “Antawn please, not you, I don’t want to mess anything your in now… let me be… let me be” *click. I sat on my couch. I saw myself looking at everything that we went through that day, I fell in love again. I searched my room where she slept there was a note lying beside a picture…

Antawn, I’m so sorry I came, I know from the start you were falling from me, I saw you’re eyes and I cant deny that I’m falling too… I cant see or figure out why, but then I woke up, I saw you’re picture with Jayme and you looked in love I saw your hand and there was a silver ring. I’m so sorry that I nearly messed up your life, I probably don’t know what I was doing that day, but I learned to love you, easily, maybe because I saw the kindness and sweetness you handed to me, I regretted those days back in high school that I never noticed the love you were showing and giving me. I’m so sorry, we might have been perfect. Please love Jayme the same way you gave me back then, I’m wishing the best of you two… good luck through life, I’m very sorry, but I must tell you that I love you…
I looked at my ring finger and there it was, my wedding ring with Jayme. I forgot all about her when she came back again. I went inside the comfort room stared at my mirror and saw myself in tears. I washed my face, tried to pull myself back together and told myself, for I was broken down to pieces. The night was done and I lay down and took a rest.

I woke up facing reality. Ill never have Kate. I will just face the fact that I am already married and what are left of Kate are just mere memories of my old love. I’m still down, but I have to go to work today, I already missed work I might lose it if I won’t work today. As I prepared to get to work, the phone rang. It was Jayme and she’ll be arriving tonight and I can see that she’s very excited to go home. I have to pull myself together, my wife is coming home, if she sees me like this, I might affect her mood. I went on to let my day pass on by. I went to work, still wrecked because of what happened. I just did my job for the day, I just sat in front of my computer, and did whatever the big man told me to do. Antawn do this, do that, get me my coffee, bring me this, and bring me that. It reminded me of a puppet and his puppeteer, but that’s life, ill deal with that next time. Time passed by and its already 5:30 pm. Quitting time and time to pick up my wife. I went home to change and get myself back together. I got my tape that’s full of up beat songs to make me happy, somehow. I sang myself all the way to the airport, and there she was. The moment I saw her, everything changed, the way she screamed my name as she saw me, the way she smiled when she saw the car drawing closer to where she was, and the way she makes me feel right every time I see her. Just looking at her standing outside waving at me, made me remember how she was then. I came closer, opened the locks of my car, went outside to grab her, and hug her tightly, I missed her. As if she want away for so long and now she’s here again. And everything changed. I picked up her bags, I placed it in the trunk, and quickly returned to open the door for Jayme, my wife. She hugged, and kissed me before she entered the vehicle. We had a good time picking up where we left, as the conversation grew deeper within the long way home, I completely forgot everything about Kate. As if she never came back, as if she never existed. And the more we talked, and the more we laughed, the more she pulls me away from the grasps of Kate. Jayme is my angel.

As we reached home, I got her bags and just remembered that tomorrow is our anniversary day, our second year anniversary. We talked for a while over some whine in our couch. We reminisced about our past and laughed about things we found funny. And then she punched in a question, “What happened to Kate in our high school days, the last thing I remembered is that you’re really crazy about her.” I just laughed and said, “That was nothing, I’m just infatuated with her, and then I found you…” Jayme smiled as I brushed my hand through her hair. I never mentioned anything about tomorrow. Because in my mind, I already have planned a perfect dinner for the both of us. I stood, and I fixed two cups of coffees for the both of us. And when I returned from the bar she was sleeping already. I placed the cups on the table and picked her up, and lay her tired body to bed. The night went on as I watch her sleep. I finished up the coffee that I fixed and it made me not want to sleep anymore. She was sleeping, calmly, as I watched her smile and sleep at the same time. She is really an angel. I woke up and there is a blanket over me, she did the same thing, she watched me sleep as I watched her last night. I looked at her and she’s smiling as if she’s waiting for me to say something, but I plan to surprise her later. So I got up never mentioning anything but good morning honey. So I got up from the chair where I slept last night. Jayme followed me as she wraps her arms around my neck. And we walked together to our kitchen. I told Jayme to sit down and watch the cook to prepare breakfast. As I was busy scrambling eggs and cooking corned beef, she surprisingly kissed me. “What was that for?” I asked together with a smile, “You’re wearing the kiss the cook apron, so why not, the cook is very handsome you know” Jayme replied. I told myself, yeah why not, the cook is really handsome, and smiled. Jayme sat down in a cute manner that reminds me of a kid, and the way she makes me feel fine and dandy really boosts up my morale to do good through out the day. I served breakfast as we ate and played with our food. She played her spoon as if it was an airplane as she puts her spoon inside my mouth and as I feed her as well. After we finished breakfast she prepared a sandwich for me for my lunch at work. And after I got dressed, she fixed up my tie, she kissed me and she hands me the bag with the sandwich in it along with the take care and have a nice day kiss again. I kissed her back along with a see you later for her. And so I went to work.

I smiled and sang songs of love as I drove to work. It was a really perfect Wednesday morning where I think nothing can go wrong. Till I got to the office and right away I was called inside the big bosses office. I thought it was trouble, but then again maybe not. So I went in with confidence and greeted Mr. Gregory good morning. “Sit Down” he said, with a sharp tone I thought I was in deep waters. But after long words of wisdom I smiled because he just gave me a promotion to Senior Marketing Developer. He asked me if I am interested to take the job right away. He told me that the office right next to my former desk would be mine if I’ll take the job. So I stood, and shook hands with Mr. Gregory as I gladly accepted the offer. I walked out smiling as I get my new job.

I walked into my new office and gave Chef Antonio a call. I asked for a favor, and he accepted it, I asked him if he could reserve a seat for two and place candles and roses in our table, and I asked if he could prepare a Carlo Rossi for my wife and me. He gladly took the favor and granted me my wishes. As the day went by, I passed through a pet shop and bought a puppy for Jayme, my wife. I went by Don Antonio’s and paid for all of my expenses. As I reached home I hid the puppy behind my back, I wanted it to be a surprise. Suddenly I felt that something is wrong, but I thought not with a day like this, not with a day that everything has gone well. I checked everywhere but Jayme is not there. I checked the bedroom and the letter Kate gave me when she took off was there lying on the bed. I placed the puppy on the floor. As I sat down, and crushed on the situation. I saw beside the letter the guitar I always wanted, with a letter attached to it. I cat read it for it was wet, wet with tears. I tried to read the paper, and the ink was already blurred, but I can picture the words out, Happy Anniversary Honey. She locked me in a place that I can’t breathe, she left me wandering alone in oblivion. It was total darkness without my angel, without Jayme, without my wife on our anniversary. I tried to find her, I called he mobile phone but it’s off. I guess she doesn’t want me to reach her. I guess Jayme is really disappointed at me for not telling her at all, and I cant deny the fact that I fell for Kate, and forgot all about Jayme when Kate showed up. As tears ran down my cheeks, I picked up the guitar, and played our song. Maybe it’s too late now that Jayme is gone, and I don’t know where she went. I checked out the cabinet, and found that all of her clothes are not there anymore, she left, and she took off. She even left the dress I got her for tonight. My heart was once again broken into pieces. I still wanted Jayme to come back, I still want her to be here, and I want to see her smile at times like these. I sat down hoping that she’ll come back, hoping she’ll return and forgive me.

I woke up sitting in the chair, still dressed the way I was dressed yesterday, the puppy was sleeping beside my foot, which reminded me that last night was for real. Last night, Jayme rook off, and left me for being an idiot. Once again I tried to pick up the pieces and mold myself back to its proper form. But that’s going to take a long time to fix. Now that my angel is gone, I can’t go on. I went to the kitchen to fix myself a meal. And I just remembered how she kissed me yesterday when I was wearing this apron, I’m a total wreck. I can’t even cook, how am I going to work. So I just changed for work, and left the puppy alone. I got the puppy so she wont be alone while I’m at work, but I guess, the puppy will be alone. I left food for the puppy to eat while I’m at work.

I can see what will happen today, nothing, with me going like this, nothing good can go on. When I got to work, I did all that I have to do and finish everything and go home. Time passes so slowly when you’re not having fun, I just sat there, doing nothing after I signed papers and talk to people on the phone, I tried to be okay, I tried to smile, and hid my loneliness behind the mask i'm wearing today. The day passed and I’m off home. Kate gave me a call, she asked me what happened, maybe she heard it somewhere, or maybe Jayme talked to Kate, she asked if she can come over. I said sure why not, I really need company. Still depressed when she arrived, I fixed 2 cups of coco for Kate and me, we sat talked about what happened, and I saw myself looking down. Kate tried to help me. She gave me good advices and she told me to give Jayme time to be alone for a while. After all of the counseling she gave me, I started to cry, then she gave me a hug. It gave me a boost. And my heart started pumping again. It seems like Kate helped me out of the dark hole Jayme locked me in, she was there to help me, and when I got out, she gave me a hug. So I asked my self what was that for. I never got the answer until she told me that she’d be there for me. It seems like I still love Kate. It seems like I haven’t got the chance to tell her I do. At this moment, I found myself standing on the space between where lies helps me stay away from pain. It seems like I’m playing tug-o-war and I’m the rope where do I have to go. At this moment Kate tugged the strongest. And I found myself wrapped around her hands. I felt sorry for myself, for I have lived a lie. Everything was a lie. She held my hand and told me that it’ll be okay. I nodded and gave her a ride home. She moved to an apartment near my home. She kissed me goodnight and take care as I watched her enter the blue door of the building she’s residing in.

I felt rejuvenation as I drove home, I felt like I’m a kid again. As I reached home, I sat down on my couch, and evaluated the situation. Jayme left me because of Kate, why should I wonder if Jayme would be mad, Jayme already is mad, because of Kate, and who am I planning to date with? It’s Kate! So I should go for it. As soon as I made up my mind I got up, picked up the phone and called Kate, I asked for a movie. And she gladly accepted it. We started dating and having fun. We were wasting time, and all along the way I thought we were in love. So I kept quiet and just thought it might be better to be this way. I don’t want to mess anything I’m experiencing now. I’m having fun so why waste the chance for the happiness and the joy to be ruined. I’m in love I just don’t know about Kate, it seems to me that she is, but I wont take the risk. All I know is that were good friends that is just wasting time, together. So on did the dating go, almost every other day of our lives we went out after work. It felt that when we were together magic was between us. Binding us together, like the north and south poles of the magnet. Keeping us in touch with each other.

On and on the day goes by, until I made up my mind to take the risk. One day I asked her to go watch a movie, and its one of those horror movies, I like her when she gets scared. The way she grabs my hand and the way she looks when she’s terrified. I just like to stare at her the whole movie. She really puts the A in my name. For without her, id still me a wreck. And I thank her for molding me the way Jayme molded me when Kate left me. I hope that she’s the one. And so did the movie go, I didn’t even understand on scene for the one I’m watching is Kate. She noticed me staring at her angelic face, she asked me what’s the matter, so I pretended to be sleeping with my eyes open, she laughed and slapped me in my arm. So I pretended to be ignorant and not knowing what’s happening. So the movie was done. We got out, and she was asking me a lot of questions about the movie. I made up things she didn’t even notice. I took Kate out for dinner after the movie we talked about stuff but never really entered love. The topic was not available at that time. So I asked her if she’s seeing someone right now. She nodded, and she told me that the man is really sweet, charming and really fun to be with. I pretended that I’m not affected with her reply, but then she touched me in the cheek, and told me it’s me. My heart jumped up and down as she told me that it was I. “Kate, where are we now?” I asked while grabbing both of her hands as I tangle mine with hers. “I don’t really know, and I can’t tell right now, but were good friends right?”, Kate replied. Rain poured that night, and the rain clouds were above me, it was really hard for me to keep my chin up after that blow. I expected something that wasn’t there all along. She said that what she’s doing is really wrong for I am a married man. So she ran away from me. As I went to follow her and stop her from running away, she turned and I saw tears from her cheeks as she waved and spoke the words goodbye, and that’s the last thing I ever heard from Kate.

Alone I walked, wandering in this angry world, I learned how to smile when I was down emotion was never a sight in my face anymore. The pain I suffered made me empty inside. It made me realize that I should have fought for the love that was there, the love that was ever present when I was with Jayme. I lost my grip and I lost the battle. I miss Jayme so much. And I was a stupid man to let her go, that way.

Days passed, Jayme and I got divorced along the way, and she set me free as I tried to hold her back. She thought we were young people playing love the wrong way. She told me to go where my heart is, but if I follow my heart, I hope I wont be standing alone in the road while I wait for Jayme. I hope she follows the road her heart leads her to. I hope 10 years later, she’ll be there together with me walking hand in hand, under the rain or in sunshine. I know I played love the wrong way… and Jayme is the love I never had.

--- END ---

“You left me as I was chasing after you, you ran away when I was trying to hold you, I’m still hoping that you’ll be there 10 years later, I’ll wait for you, even if it takes for me to be alone for a while. I asked the stars once and they told me you were the one, and I believed in them, as they replied to me. You never saw me this way, and I wanted you to see how my heart reacts to the pain you gave me. And I want you to see how my thoughts scream while you punish me with loneliness… i'm still in love with you, don’t take me for granted.” This is for you… you know who you are.