Tuesday, January 06, 2004

"Deja Vu"

As I was about to end my life, someone held me back. And that someone pulled me away from what I about to end. Life has been cruel to me, all life handed to me was pain and suffering, not physically but emotionally. But after that time when I was about to end it all, there is this one girl who called me and not to do what I am about to do. She was there, staring at me, and tear fell from her eyes. I don’t even know this girl but she held me back. She gave me a new beginning. She gave me life. But the way she looked at me, it seemed that I knew this girl before. As I was staring at her, she fell down to her knees and begged for me to step down. I did and I went to her. She looked at me with her teary eyes that made me weep. The way she looks at me means something, it seems that she is hurting more than I do. I helped her up as she was telling me not to do it. I got my hanky and wiped the tears off her eyes, I told her to stop crying, I told her not to worry about anything because I am staying and I am staying because of her. I will not forget the way she made me felt guilty that night. She made me think that my perception is just straight forward, where pain and suffering is seen. She took off my blindfold and made me see the beauty in this world. There are a lot of them to stay depressed. She never told me her name, and I never saw her again. I guess she was an angel sent by God for me, she was sent to keep me alive. Maybe she was my angel.

Days go by and people passed by, until I met someone I think I should follow. It was just a normal day, and I went to let time fly. I spent my afternoon wandering alone in the mall. Until I felt an urge to go to McDonald’s to eat. I forgot that I haven’t eaten all day. I stood in line just like everybody is doing. When I was next in line, the lady in front of me accidentally spilled her drinks on me. The changed man I am, I smiled at the lady and noticed something familiar when she looked at me. There is really something in her eyes that keeps me at peace, she felt sorry for me and offered to pay for my meal. I rejected the offer because it was no big deal. I was wearing black so the spilled drink is not that obvious. So I just asked tissue from the counter to wipe my self off. As soon as I got my order, I noticed that the place was crowded. I saw the lady was eating alone, I noticed that she seemed trouble with a lot of people around her. It looks like she’s new in town, so I asked if I could sit with her. She gladly accepted my offer and had a quiet lunch. I thought I should break the silence and crack a joke. She was startled the way I delivered it. I asked her if the joke bothered her. I asked her if the joke was corny, or is it a green one. A lot of bothering thoughts drove inside my head. Until she spoke that it was nothing. Maybe she was just startled by the way I tell jokes, loud. So I asked her name, and she told me that it was Angela. As soon as I got her name I gave her mine. She was really quiet, and I never got any information about her. She ate as if I was never there, I noticed that she never replaced her drink. I stood up and ordered another one. As soon as I got back to our table she was gone. She left me a note that says “thanks for the company, I hope I can repay you back for the kindness you showed a stranger today, I’m sorry about the accident, and thanks for getting me that drink, hope to see you again”. I smiled as soon as I finished reading the message. As soon as I finished up my meal I went home.

Still confused about the lady that I saw. She reminds me of someone I cant figure out. She’s probably someone from my high school. As soon as I got that thought, I got my yearbook and checked an Angela. No Angela resembles the face I saw. I found myself wasting time by figuring out who it was until I fell asleep.

The sun shone directly to my face waking me up. I got up fixed my breakfast and prepared for college. I remembered I used to call someone to remind her that I love her, I used to tell her to take care and don’t forget to eat, but now its just what I call memories. I found myself standing still while having flashbacks, and I have to cross that line to move on. I scrambled eggs and cooked hotdogs, I smiled knowing that that’s the only food I know how to cook, lunch and dinners are always fast food. It’s really hard to be alone. I prayed that someday ill meet someone who’s going to help me go through my loneliness, I asked him if I could be with someone who could cheer me up when I’m down, and someone who will be there all the time. Suddenly, rain poured after I said my last words, classes was immediately suspended. I sat down on the couch and see what’s on television, but there was none. The receptions are bad, the cable is down, and later on electricity was cut off. Wind began blowing hard, I think this is quite a storm that surprisingly appeared. After 3 hours, the rains and winds subsided. I predicted that if I stayed at home ill be totally bummed. And so I changed, and planned to waste time again at the mall. The mall is 4 blocks away from my house, so I’ll just bring my umbrella and wear my jacket I’ll reach the mall dry, not unless the rain pours again. After passing by 2 blocks I saw a lady drenched, and sitting near a light post having chills. I asked if someone already called an ambulance or nothing, but she never replied. I took off my jacket and I wrapped it around her, I picked her up and went back to my apartment to warm her up. As soon as I got back I got some of my clothes for her to wear. I left her locked inside my room as I was preparing coffee for her. As soon as she got out, I saw that she was Angela. Mysterious as she was, she broke the silence barrier that was keeping us from talking after a few minutes when she saw me. She thanked me for what I have done for her. She also asked me if she could stay here for a while. I fixed the other bed that was in my room and placed a blanket between the beds, just to keep our privacy. Since we don’t know each other that much. We had a good time talking over a hot coco and we got to know each other. Angela is 1 month and 2 days younger than me, she is about 5’3 with shoulder length black hair, and what alarms me a lot are her angelic face and her tame eyes that always catches my attention. She has a cute voice, and she really has bubbly attitude that makes me smile everyday I see her. I always thought that Angela is a quiet person, because when I first saw her, I thought she was clumsy and a quiet type of person.

The day drew in to close and the sun hid as the moon rose, Angela offered to cook dinner. I watched her make dinner. I can smell that it tastes delicious. After dinner I was so full and she was so glad to see me happy about the meal. why shouldn’t I, it was a delicious meal. Angela and I watched television together as it began to operate well again. We were having fun teasing low rated shows and mocking actors that don’t act well. She looked cute as she was laughing at me while I am doing my Marvin the Martian impersonation, she thought that I was really cute doing it and she made me do it all the time. The dark began to eat all lights outside, everyone is starting to sleep, and my companion is already asleep. So I slowly turned off the television and lay her tired body to bed… I took a quick shower to freshen up, I looked at her sleep peacefully, and I covered the space between us as I pulled the curtains I placed and laid down to bed. before I shut my eyes, I looked up through the roofs and imagining that God is up there expecting something from my mouth as he was smiling, and thanked Him for what he has done to my life. Everything changed, since Angela came in, as soon as I said the last word of my prayers I smiled at him as I thanked him again and sleep.

Morning broke and Angela was staring at me smiling, waiting for me to say good morning with my Marvin the Martian impersonation, but I never did. Instead I grabbed her by the head and played with her hair, I never had a morning that was filled with joy. I remembered that once I was trapped inside dark and gloomy room filled with misery, and now I am with Angela in a colorful and joyful room. At first I was lonely, but now I am not. All these thoughts ran through my head like cars outside, they come and they go. Well all I hope is that something I have now will stay. Good thing it was a Saturday so I don’t need to go to class. I have a lot of time to spend with Angela. As the day passes by, something inside me warms up when ever I am with Angela. I can feel my eyes sparkle whenever I see her, especially when she smiles, I can’t stop smiling too. I can see that harmony was with us. Were a perfect match. Were a match made in heaven just like everyone will say. Nothing goes wrong between us. And whenever we are together, there is a different kind of unison that is happening whenever we held hands. And He sent her to me, so I thought that it wont go wrong.

My love grew for Angela. Each and everyday, I am lying to myself. I got home from college after a few hours, I asked Angela to go with me. I went to the top of the apartment building where the moon is in full view. I told her that every night before you came, this place has been my sorrow place. But now I can feel the magic the moon is giving to every person who is in love. I looked at her admiring the moon. I drew closer to Angela. I took the risk to tell her how I am feeling at that time. I held her hands and drew it closer to my heart, as I was to say something she pulled her hands away. I took her hands again and asked her to look straight to my eyes. She tried to but every time she looks at me she turns away. I begged her to look at me for this night is special for me. As soon as she set her eyes on me, and my hands on her hands, I told Angela my true feelings and I told her that I lover her very much, I told her that without her I could die, that without Angela I could have hatred placed in my heart. Tears ran through Angela’s cheeks and rain began to pour. Angela turned away as my heart began to fail. Right there and then, I knew what was in Angela’s mind. So I stood and walked away, as I was about to leave the place, she spoke the words that I will never forget. She told me she’s sorry because she can’t love me back. She told me that even if she could it will never happen. Pain and suffering began to enter my emotions. I looked at her, and asked her that why only now, I asked her why only now when my feelings for deepens and how it spread through my entire being. I told her that each and everyday I’ve been thinking of you. I told Angela that if it weren’t for you I am never going to be this happy. Not waiting for answers and emotions taking place, I was about to end my life. I was about to jump and Angela held me back. Angela pulled me away from death. As soon as I touched the middle of the platform, she cried. Angela was there, staring at me, and tears fell from her eyes. She told me she was sorry. As soon as she was to say anything, I took my handkerchief and asked her to hush. I held her head close to me as I wiped her tears, and said. “Don’t cry no more, for your tears are my tears, your sufferings are mine, and the misery you felt are all mine, cry no more my angel, I will stay…”

--- END ---

“from darkness you pulled me out, from misery you made me smile. You gave me back the smile that wasn’t there when you came, I hoped you’d stay as I prayed for you to come. I hope that you’d be there always when I need someone as I promised myself that I’d be there for you. For I loved an angel who’ll never love me back, for I still love an angel when I know that I can’t be like that. My love for you my angel.”

-Wandering Dreamer-

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