Monday, January 05, 2004

"The Love That I Never Had"

There I was, standing in front of everyone inside a church. Everyone was dressed sharp and I can’t picture out what am I doing inside a church full of dressed people. The church organ began to sound as if someone was going to be married. The church door opened and I can’t picture out whom it was, the light was against my vision, and I can only see the figure of the person who’s entering. One is a woman and the other was a tall man, a father figure with a daughter who was about to get married. I saw myself standing in front of an altar beside my best friend. I’m still confused. Is this what I think it is? Am I going to be married with her? I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus on who she was. The organ began to play again and she started walking towards me. Everyone looked at her, I saw my mom looking at me weeping and smiling. I can say it was tears of joy. Beside her were a bundle of people I'm familiar of but I can’t tell who they were.

She began to draw closer to my sight; it was a long walk until I can see her. As she drew closer and closer to me a clear picture of her face began to appear. It was Kate. Kate? But I thought it’s impossible, because my last memory of her was she and her boyfriend was deeply in love with each other. She was my love that never was. It made me confused. What’s this? I cant understand any part of the situation I’m in. but still, there she was, standing in front of me. I looked through her and I can see her smiling, with glittering eyes. Are we in love? I know I love her but… its still impossible…the ceremonies began. The minister began preaching and doing the rites of marriage. I’m still confused but managed to smile. We told our vows, we attached the rings of commitment, the rings of forever. And the sun began to shine. I saw myself in my boxers and lying on my bed. I stood up quickly washed my eyes off sleep. I looked in the mirror and noticed that it was a dream. I checked my phone if there’s any message for me. I checked and there was a message from her. “I’m coming to town and I’m looking for a familiar face to be with while I’m there doing my business trip, mind if I bother you?” I replied quickly and right after the message was sent, a knock on the door shocked me. I began to dress properly. There she was with her bags and stuff. I picked it up for her as I asked her to come in my humble home. I was still a mess…she made fun of my hair and tried to fix it with her fingers.

After that dream and this, what is it trying to imply? I’ll leave that question to answer later. I made breakfast, just normal spam and eggs can do, for me, but I don’t know what to prepare knowing that the girl that I was trying to make me love me is right here. After cooking the meal I called her… there’s no answer, I went and checked out my room… “Breakfast is rea…. dy”. She was sleeping, I went out to get a blanket knowing that January is a cold month, maybe for them, for me who’s living alone everyday is cold. I laid a blanket over her and fixed the hair that was irritating her face. “I wish my dream will come true”. Sigh

Its already 11:00 and there’s no use of going to work that late, I might as well go to the grocery and buy stuff for lunch and dinner. After I bought the stuff I need I went home and there she was, preparing lunch for the both of us. I stood there in the door of my home and there she was, smiling. “Where have you been? Just finished cooking, lets eat!” looking at her act that way, she seemed to appear as my wife. Well, I sat at our dining table and we ate. She was smiling at me when I finished up my meal and asked for more, the food was perfect and she seemed glad that I finished it all up.
The whole day we were together, we shared experiences and stuff. We reminisced high school days, she was laughing and smiling. Some memories were sad some was fun, I cant believe that I’m spending the whole day with her, eating chips, drinking beer, sitting on the couch and talking nonsense, we’re just laughing our day out. That’s what I’m good at. Well night came and it was cold, she asked me to bring her to the night sights around the city. We strolled around the park and she was shivering, we sat at the park bench and I hugged her behind to keep her warm, without regrets she held my hand wrapped around her and she sighed. I looked at her and she seemed troubled. I asked her to go home and talk about what’s bothering her. After we hanged our coats and lit the fireplace, I fixed up some coffee for the both of us. I gave her my blanket and wrapped it around her; she sat beside me, laid her head on my shoulder. “I saw problems in your eyes awhile ago… what’s the matter?” I asked. “…” She never replied and I looked at her she was sleeping. I stayed beside her for the whole remainder of the evening.

Morning came and I found myself sleeping on the couch, a blanket on top of me and a pillow on my head. I stood up quickly, something, or someone’s missing, I looked around her and she was gone. Just like that.

The phone rang I picked it up and answered. It was Kate… “Sorry to leave you like that but I don’t want to give you any burden that I’m carrying right now… I should have told you but I chose not to… I don’t want to mess the life you are living right now….”

“Where are y…” *click *teeeeeet

She hanged up. I quickly changed, I looked for every phone booth that I know, but she was nowhere to be found. I ate my breakfast at the diner near the airport. And there was a familiar figure sitting alone at the corner… I whispered “is it her…”, “naaaah… its just my hallucination” why am I thinking like this? Why am I bothering to look for Kate, I don’t understand, I think I still have feelings for her. The dream… she came to my home… I think it fits well… I tried contacting her phone number but there was no answer. I tried calling her mobile number, she answered… “Antawn please, not you, I don’t want to mess anything your in now… let me be… let me be” *click. I sat on my couch. I saw myself looking at everything that we went through that day, I fell in love again. I searched my room where she slept there was a note lying beside a picture…

Antawn, I’m so sorry I came, I know from the start you were falling from me, I saw you’re eyes and I cant deny that I’m falling too… I cant see or figure out why, but then I woke up, I saw you’re picture with Jayme and you looked in love I saw your hand and there was a silver ring. I’m so sorry that I nearly messed up your life, I probably don’t know what I was doing that day, but I learned to love you, easily, maybe because I saw the kindness and sweetness you handed to me, I regretted those days back in high school that I never noticed the love you were showing and giving me. I’m so sorry, we might have been perfect. Please love Jayme the same way you gave me back then, I’m wishing the best of you two… good luck through life, I’m very sorry, but I must tell you that I love you…
I looked at my ring finger and there it was, my wedding ring with Jayme. I forgot all about her when she came back again. I went inside the comfort room stared at my mirror and saw myself in tears. I washed my face, tried to pull myself back together and told myself, for I was broken down to pieces. The night was done and I lay down and took a rest.

I woke up facing reality. Ill never have Kate. I will just face the fact that I am already married and what are left of Kate are just mere memories of my old love. I’m still down, but I have to go to work today, I already missed work I might lose it if I won’t work today. As I prepared to get to work, the phone rang. It was Jayme and she’ll be arriving tonight and I can see that she’s very excited to go home. I have to pull myself together, my wife is coming home, if she sees me like this, I might affect her mood. I went on to let my day pass on by. I went to work, still wrecked because of what happened. I just did my job for the day, I just sat in front of my computer, and did whatever the big man told me to do. Antawn do this, do that, get me my coffee, bring me this, and bring me that. It reminded me of a puppet and his puppeteer, but that’s life, ill deal with that next time. Time passed by and its already 5:30 pm. Quitting time and time to pick up my wife. I went home to change and get myself back together. I got my tape that’s full of up beat songs to make me happy, somehow. I sang myself all the way to the airport, and there she was. The moment I saw her, everything changed, the way she screamed my name as she saw me, the way she smiled when she saw the car drawing closer to where she was, and the way she makes me feel right every time I see her. Just looking at her standing outside waving at me, made me remember how she was then. I came closer, opened the locks of my car, went outside to grab her, and hug her tightly, I missed her. As if she want away for so long and now she’s here again. And everything changed. I picked up her bags, I placed it in the trunk, and quickly returned to open the door for Jayme, my wife. She hugged, and kissed me before she entered the vehicle. We had a good time picking up where we left, as the conversation grew deeper within the long way home, I completely forgot everything about Kate. As if she never came back, as if she never existed. And the more we talked, and the more we laughed, the more she pulls me away from the grasps of Kate. Jayme is my angel.

As we reached home, I got her bags and just remembered that tomorrow is our anniversary day, our second year anniversary. We talked for a while over some whine in our couch. We reminisced about our past and laughed about things we found funny. And then she punched in a question, “What happened to Kate in our high school days, the last thing I remembered is that you’re really crazy about her.” I just laughed and said, “That was nothing, I’m just infatuated with her, and then I found you…” Jayme smiled as I brushed my hand through her hair. I never mentioned anything about tomorrow. Because in my mind, I already have planned a perfect dinner for the both of us. I stood, and I fixed two cups of coffees for the both of us. And when I returned from the bar she was sleeping already. I placed the cups on the table and picked her up, and lay her tired body to bed. The night went on as I watch her sleep. I finished up the coffee that I fixed and it made me not want to sleep anymore. She was sleeping, calmly, as I watched her smile and sleep at the same time. She is really an angel. I woke up and there is a blanket over me, she did the same thing, she watched me sleep as I watched her last night. I looked at her and she’s smiling as if she’s waiting for me to say something, but I plan to surprise her later. So I got up never mentioning anything but good morning honey. So I got up from the chair where I slept last night. Jayme followed me as she wraps her arms around my neck. And we walked together to our kitchen. I told Jayme to sit down and watch the cook to prepare breakfast. As I was busy scrambling eggs and cooking corned beef, she surprisingly kissed me. “What was that for?” I asked together with a smile, “You’re wearing the kiss the cook apron, so why not, the cook is very handsome you know” Jayme replied. I told myself, yeah why not, the cook is really handsome, and smiled. Jayme sat down in a cute manner that reminds me of a kid, and the way she makes me feel fine and dandy really boosts up my morale to do good through out the day. I served breakfast as we ate and played with our food. She played her spoon as if it was an airplane as she puts her spoon inside my mouth and as I feed her as well. After we finished breakfast she prepared a sandwich for me for my lunch at work. And after I got dressed, she fixed up my tie, she kissed me and she hands me the bag with the sandwich in it along with the take care and have a nice day kiss again. I kissed her back along with a see you later for her. And so I went to work.

I smiled and sang songs of love as I drove to work. It was a really perfect Wednesday morning where I think nothing can go wrong. Till I got to the office and right away I was called inside the big bosses office. I thought it was trouble, but then again maybe not. So I went in with confidence and greeted Mr. Gregory good morning. “Sit Down” he said, with a sharp tone I thought I was in deep waters. But after long words of wisdom I smiled because he just gave me a promotion to Senior Marketing Developer. He asked me if I am interested to take the job right away. He told me that the office right next to my former desk would be mine if I’ll take the job. So I stood, and shook hands with Mr. Gregory as I gladly accepted the offer. I walked out smiling as I get my new job.

I walked into my new office and gave Chef Antonio a call. I asked for a favor, and he accepted it, I asked him if he could reserve a seat for two and place candles and roses in our table, and I asked if he could prepare a Carlo Rossi for my wife and me. He gladly took the favor and granted me my wishes. As the day went by, I passed through a pet shop and bought a puppy for Jayme, my wife. I went by Don Antonio’s and paid for all of my expenses. As I reached home I hid the puppy behind my back, I wanted it to be a surprise. Suddenly I felt that something is wrong, but I thought not with a day like this, not with a day that everything has gone well. I checked everywhere but Jayme is not there. I checked the bedroom and the letter Kate gave me when she took off was there lying on the bed. I placed the puppy on the floor. As I sat down, and crushed on the situation. I saw beside the letter the guitar I always wanted, with a letter attached to it. I cat read it for it was wet, wet with tears. I tried to read the paper, and the ink was already blurred, but I can picture the words out, Happy Anniversary Honey. She locked me in a place that I can’t breathe, she left me wandering alone in oblivion. It was total darkness without my angel, without Jayme, without my wife on our anniversary. I tried to find her, I called he mobile phone but it’s off. I guess she doesn’t want me to reach her. I guess Jayme is really disappointed at me for not telling her at all, and I cant deny the fact that I fell for Kate, and forgot all about Jayme when Kate showed up. As tears ran down my cheeks, I picked up the guitar, and played our song. Maybe it’s too late now that Jayme is gone, and I don’t know where she went. I checked out the cabinet, and found that all of her clothes are not there anymore, she left, and she took off. She even left the dress I got her for tonight. My heart was once again broken into pieces. I still wanted Jayme to come back, I still want her to be here, and I want to see her smile at times like these. I sat down hoping that she’ll come back, hoping she’ll return and forgive me.

I woke up sitting in the chair, still dressed the way I was dressed yesterday, the puppy was sleeping beside my foot, which reminded me that last night was for real. Last night, Jayme rook off, and left me for being an idiot. Once again I tried to pick up the pieces and mold myself back to its proper form. But that’s going to take a long time to fix. Now that my angel is gone, I can’t go on. I went to the kitchen to fix myself a meal. And I just remembered how she kissed me yesterday when I was wearing this apron, I’m a total wreck. I can’t even cook, how am I going to work. So I just changed for work, and left the puppy alone. I got the puppy so she wont be alone while I’m at work, but I guess, the puppy will be alone. I left food for the puppy to eat while I’m at work.

I can see what will happen today, nothing, with me going like this, nothing good can go on. When I got to work, I did all that I have to do and finish everything and go home. Time passes so slowly when you’re not having fun, I just sat there, doing nothing after I signed papers and talk to people on the phone, I tried to be okay, I tried to smile, and hid my loneliness behind the mask i'm wearing today. The day passed and I’m off home. Kate gave me a call, she asked me what happened, maybe she heard it somewhere, or maybe Jayme talked to Kate, she asked if she can come over. I said sure why not, I really need company. Still depressed when she arrived, I fixed 2 cups of coco for Kate and me, we sat talked about what happened, and I saw myself looking down. Kate tried to help me. She gave me good advices and she told me to give Jayme time to be alone for a while. After all of the counseling she gave me, I started to cry, then she gave me a hug. It gave me a boost. And my heart started pumping again. It seems like Kate helped me out of the dark hole Jayme locked me in, she was there to help me, and when I got out, she gave me a hug. So I asked my self what was that for. I never got the answer until she told me that she’d be there for me. It seems like I still love Kate. It seems like I haven’t got the chance to tell her I do. At this moment, I found myself standing on the space between where lies helps me stay away from pain. It seems like I’m playing tug-o-war and I’m the rope where do I have to go. At this moment Kate tugged the strongest. And I found myself wrapped around her hands. I felt sorry for myself, for I have lived a lie. Everything was a lie. She held my hand and told me that it’ll be okay. I nodded and gave her a ride home. She moved to an apartment near my home. She kissed me goodnight and take care as I watched her enter the blue door of the building she’s residing in.

I felt rejuvenation as I drove home, I felt like I’m a kid again. As I reached home, I sat down on my couch, and evaluated the situation. Jayme left me because of Kate, why should I wonder if Jayme would be mad, Jayme already is mad, because of Kate, and who am I planning to date with? It’s Kate! So I should go for it. As soon as I made up my mind I got up, picked up the phone and called Kate, I asked for a movie. And she gladly accepted it. We started dating and having fun. We were wasting time, and all along the way I thought we were in love. So I kept quiet and just thought it might be better to be this way. I don’t want to mess anything I’m experiencing now. I’m having fun so why waste the chance for the happiness and the joy to be ruined. I’m in love I just don’t know about Kate, it seems to me that she is, but I wont take the risk. All I know is that were good friends that is just wasting time, together. So on did the dating go, almost every other day of our lives we went out after work. It felt that when we were together magic was between us. Binding us together, like the north and south poles of the magnet. Keeping us in touch with each other.

On and on the day goes by, until I made up my mind to take the risk. One day I asked her to go watch a movie, and its one of those horror movies, I like her when she gets scared. The way she grabs my hand and the way she looks when she’s terrified. I just like to stare at her the whole movie. She really puts the A in my name. For without her, id still me a wreck. And I thank her for molding me the way Jayme molded me when Kate left me. I hope that she’s the one. And so did the movie go, I didn’t even understand on scene for the one I’m watching is Kate. She noticed me staring at her angelic face, she asked me what’s the matter, so I pretended to be sleeping with my eyes open, she laughed and slapped me in my arm. So I pretended to be ignorant and not knowing what’s happening. So the movie was done. We got out, and she was asking me a lot of questions about the movie. I made up things she didn’t even notice. I took Kate out for dinner after the movie we talked about stuff but never really entered love. The topic was not available at that time. So I asked her if she’s seeing someone right now. She nodded, and she told me that the man is really sweet, charming and really fun to be with. I pretended that I’m not affected with her reply, but then she touched me in the cheek, and told me it’s me. My heart jumped up and down as she told me that it was I. “Kate, where are we now?” I asked while grabbing both of her hands as I tangle mine with hers. “I don’t really know, and I can’t tell right now, but were good friends right?”, Kate replied. Rain poured that night, and the rain clouds were above me, it was really hard for me to keep my chin up after that blow. I expected something that wasn’t there all along. She said that what she’s doing is really wrong for I am a married man. So she ran away from me. As I went to follow her and stop her from running away, she turned and I saw tears from her cheeks as she waved and spoke the words goodbye, and that’s the last thing I ever heard from Kate.

Alone I walked, wandering in this angry world, I learned how to smile when I was down emotion was never a sight in my face anymore. The pain I suffered made me empty inside. It made me realize that I should have fought for the love that was there, the love that was ever present when I was with Jayme. I lost my grip and I lost the battle. I miss Jayme so much. And I was a stupid man to let her go, that way.

Days passed, Jayme and I got divorced along the way, and she set me free as I tried to hold her back. She thought we were young people playing love the wrong way. She told me to go where my heart is, but if I follow my heart, I hope I wont be standing alone in the road while I wait for Jayme. I hope she follows the road her heart leads her to. I hope 10 years later, she’ll be there together with me walking hand in hand, under the rain or in sunshine. I know I played love the wrong way… and Jayme is the love I never had.

--- END ---

“You left me as I was chasing after you, you ran away when I was trying to hold you, I’m still hoping that you’ll be there 10 years later, I’ll wait for you, even if it takes for me to be alone for a while. I asked the stars once and they told me you were the one, and I believed in them, as they replied to me. You never saw me this way, and I wanted you to see how my heart reacts to the pain you gave me. And I want you to see how my thoughts scream while you punish me with loneliness… i'm still in love with you, don’t take me for granted.” This is for you… you know who you are.

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