Random Musings

I'm confident, I'm trying to be a 'Yes Man'. So date went successful last Saturday, and I'm looking forward for another one. Maybe within this week or the next since I already have a packed weekend full of shoots (so much for being a hobby photographer...).

But somehow... why don't I trust myself in this...

Or maybe I'm just overthinking again... because the last thing that I want in my hands would be a broken heart. Just thinking out loud along with my random musings.

Ah... Battle Studies indeed.

It Just Occured to Me...

That I'm turning 25 in a months time...

what are the implications of turning 25...

My status as my dad's dependent in our country club memberships will enter its last year (no more free facility use and free fareway fees)

I'm officially in my Mid-twenty's

Officially on my Quarter Life

I'm 5 years away from turning 30

(insert dark ominous soundtrack here)

Random Musings

I think what makes fairy tales or any love story so special is because the people involved in it never took part on how it began… It just happened.

A meeting at a corner…

Eyes connecting when after a parting of a sea of people…

A bump in the supermarket…

An old meeting…

I guess part of holding on to these things would really make you practice patience… yes patience… 24 years (almost 25)… I’m still patient…

Question for myself… am I really patient? or holding out on myself?

If only I know how to just drop things instantly and walk away... Life would be peachy.

*hic*

My First Love

All of a sudden. Music is once as it was. I can appreciate songs as it is supposed to be appreciated, a brilliant mix of music and lyrics, a proof of human capability of having brilliant minds.

For long songs spoke to me as messages from outside my world tries to penetrate my thoughts, giving me a lingering hope that this should and this could. But for what it is, these songs, aren't my thoughts. They're owned by the ones who made it. I could just probably sit beside and relate with it, but should never call it my own. Those songs are theirs, their hearts being poured out for the world, or maybe for that one person who holds their worlds, and within that moment... they're free.

I found that the most liberating feeling in the world. Having to say anything that goes inside your thoughts that stir up mad emotions that somehow takes control of your being. This is why I write my poems, my blogs... heck... this is the main reason why I even try to write.

And now, in a way I have sung that beat that my heart made for years for the world to hear. In my case the person that somehow held my world to hear. I held nothing back and somehow liberated me. This time I know that the message of this song (figuratively speaking) was heard right. No mixed messages, no pronouns that could be directed to anybody else... Everything was about you and you alone...

And at that moment... I was freed.

Songs is as they are again, somebody's broken heart transformed to everyone's enjoyment. Somebody's crammed up thoughts transformed into tunes that you could bob your head while driving. Songs are again a mixture of music and lyrics and not something that would take control of me even as it speaks of something that is of me.

And with my guitar strings changed, maybe I could make one for myself.

Distant

What should one do when you're reduced to something that's of a distant memory.
A fleeting past...

I vowed not to bring these ghosts back again.
I just couldn't help when they surface again.

So what would one do when he's reduced by this? He holds of memories that only he could remember. Holds something dear that's could probably not as big of a deal to anyone else.

Pain...

How would one look if they're nothing but of a distant past...
A present friend...
Who can't let go of his ghosts of fading past.

----------------
Now playing: Jars of Clay - Faith Enough
via FoxyTunes

My Ate Is One Tough Mother... of Two Kids

A wise quote from my ate:

"All the make up in the world cannot hide the whore in you. Join the haliparot ay salot movement today!"

True story.

The Michael Guglielmucci Issue

Michael Guglielmucci news clip

this is the news clip about Pastor Michael Guglielmucci coming out and bringing his lie into the light.

weeks? months? ago, the said pastor told everyone including his wife, mother and father that he was suffering from terminal cancer. created a song, that became an anthem to those who knew the song.

The song healer was said to top the charts and was downloaded alot on the itunes store during this time.

the news clip will explain it all...

basically the issue is a pastor created a lie and somehow reaped benefit with it. disappointing? yes... devious... it truly is... but what do we do with it now? what do we do with the song (Healer) now that it is tainted with lie?

for me? i'd still sing it as if nothing happened. people were moved by his "lie"... i was moved by his repentance. watching that clip i couldnt help but feel glad and happy that he did the right thing. i know what repentace can feel and i can just feel what he is feeling now... true freedom from the web of lies he was entangled in. Michael even admitted of his addiction to porn and that i applaud.

We had this wrist band before that has WWJD written all over it... and in this situation.. What would Jesus do? be disappointed? condemn? or display love and embrace this guy... man if i knew this guy, i'd give him a hug.

Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

This is the song that he wrote and sang with Hillsong, you can catch it on their album This is Our God

Hillsong - Healer

Heads Up!

Heads up... 5 day work week coming...

even now, I miss missing mondays, we should include mondays as a part of the weekend. In that case, the week is shorter, and we usually lose the echo that we hear in the monday vacuum. You know... the "*sigh* its monday already" kind of vacuum. it sucks the energy that you kind of restored over the weekend, and its far off from saturday.

lose the mondays!

Wednesday, 6:30 pm

I'm just sitting here in the office, wondering what I should blog about. Since, I've done my one chapter of learning today, might aswell save the kids with some of my knowledge.

There are only two things that is needed to be done when you find yourself in an odd situation by pissing someone off unintentionaly.

Apologizing and Waiting for forgiveness.

these are the only things that we should do when we find ourselves in that situation. Let's just face the facts that we're wrong and the other party didnt like what we did. Pride has no room in this situation, and neither does self pity. The deed is done, we just need to contemplate about what was done and never to repeat it again. I think that there's no room for justification our wrong doings aswell, we should never place blames on people but accept the responsibility for acting like that. Once we find ourselves justifying the actions, then I dont think that you're really in an apologizing mood, you're just looking for holes that would point something wrong on the other person. Hurt feelings are hurt feelings, whether we like it or not, whether it was a grave insult or a mild joke, something wrong happened.

Reconciliation is another thing, once those two things are done, we should also accept that this is no fairy tale chick flick that would send butterflies floating to give you a signal to go after the other person. Saying sorry is enough, once you said that, I think you already made your point. There's going to be some awkward times here so brace yourself...

Holiday Dreaming In August

It just so happened that Coldplay's "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" and we all wondered about how close the holiday season would be. I cant help but think about the cold breeze that sweeps the city's streets filled with big stars and colorful lights, and you'll notice numerous bazaars that would appear from almost all the corners of the town, the carolers that you seem to miss doing, but sometimes irritating to witness (i know, how cruel). Then comes the christmas parties for almost all of the organizations that you're included in, and as I dream about all these stuff, pretty soon it'll be september, we'll soon hear christmas songs play on the radio... *sigh* 4 more months...

Soundtrack: Coldplay - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, 2000 Miles, Dave Matthews Band - Christmas Song

So Impossible

I hide in making myself believe that somehow everything would merge the way we would want to as long as we put our whole self into it. And right there and then you find yourself contradicting your own convictions when you tell yourself... really?

And when we're filled with emotions, we rush to get that pen and paper, just as we go through with pictures... we want to take hold of that memory... for some certain reasons, these memories are so hard to brush aside... maybe its like what you said, you're the only link of hapiness that i have, that maybe right... or its just because happy is with you... contradictions that makes your mind wonder...

now may i ask you, what are you thinking right now? it may be food... school... career... friends and families... anything... i just want to know...

mine goes... "or maybe we will... but how, everything points to --dont even think about it--... and why wouldnt i? one reason that i do... is because its there"

like that dashboard song goes...

Do you like dreaming of things so impossible...

Tuesday

first of all... happy birthday marsh!

Well just got myself a laptop for my own, so i'm mobile now hehe... Marco is coming to Starbucks' near you. Just got my first hands on deployment with our client today and damnit... when pressure sinks in to your finger tips, the blood goes there aswell... and then i was pale. I never really knew what happened there, but my colleagues sure did some bullying when they saw the left and the right eyebrows meet. The east and west might not meet, but surely the left and the right eyebrow can.

It was a good day, did everything (almost) that needs to be done, and i rewarded myself with Krispy Kreme. By the way try the one with the hersheys toppings... its friggin guilty-licious.
Note: if you're on a diet, forget that i even said anything... runaway from Krispy Kreme... ;)

Well I got the ball back... well played bebang hehehe ;) but like i said, as of now... i really don't want to lose this feeling, i just love loving you... Yikkeeeee... and unlike what i was feeling with the other one before (i really wanted something back) this time, i'm fine with the one way interaction hehe, but still hoping... still hoping...

overall... T'was a good day...

soundtrack: The Space Between - Dave Matthews Band, Before Its Too Late - Goo Goo Dolls, Swallowed In The Sea - Coldplay

Finally... Your Ball

So it's finally out, odd as it may be, i have finally let the truth out. I wanted it to be worthwhile, something special to be remembered, but what the hell... my heart will never stop throbbing like crazy everytime i catch you online, or whenever i receive replies from you for the poems that i have posted about you. So maybe now i'd just stop wondering what could have happened, i'd just leave it behind. now its just today and so forth... after all these years of circling and playing around... i finally gathered enough courage to tell you that i love you still...

the stage is set...
2nd quarter into the game
time is not yet of the essence
a deep breath before i step into the court
the play has been given...
everybody's waiting...
i just dealt mine...

your ball...

Memo To Self

Its 3:42, rain doesn't stop from falling outside, a mug of cold water on my hand and a thought on my head. How do you turn a slow day like this to something exciting.

Memo to self: Nothing can ever turn a slow day exciting. If you feel that the day starts to turn slow... run away, save your life... nothing can be done... its a monster that feeds on every desk lemming...

so I tried drinking this day off with water refilling. Whats that you say, its when you refill your mug with water and have the usual water dispenser gossip in the office pantry, drink it when you get back to your desk while reading a couple of articles, after your bladder gets enough water it will send a signal to your brain to visit the comfort room, you take a wiss. Did a couple more of those, and I checked the clock it's just 3:49.

...damn...

so here's a tip... when the day starts to go slow... save yourself the trouble of finding out if you can ever get out of it... run away...

Prayer

What is prayer? For me it’s really a way to tap into God’s heart, this is a mean of feeling how The Great One truly feels about us. This is how I feel comfort, calmness in the midst of troubles. This is the time where I can hear what the Holy Spirit tells me to do, and trust me, sometimes The Spirit can also tell me what’s about to happen to me, but this is a different story. Prayer can be silence for a long period of time, and still it feels like you’re screaming for more silence as the inner man tries to commune with God. Before I always admire how the psalmist assemble words of passion about God, but when you come within that place where God’s feelings and yours meet, silence can truly mean a lot of words. No words can be uttered, and sometimes I feel that He’s just hushing me, placing His finger on my lips and just telling me to enjoy Him, and after experiencing these, I wanted more, I’m ruined and changing slowly. My passion for prayer goes hand in hand with my Christian day-to-day walk. Before I was compelled to do these things, but more of my own will and strength, everything has to be done to satisfy the “Christian” title. Little did I know that the root of all the actions points to the time you spend with the one we choose to mirror, our own secret time with Jesus. I have always admired preachers, and worship leaders, I have always admired their knowledge and their passion for such things, and I wanted that joy, I wanted that satisfaction that they get when they do what the spirit tells them. I see it in the people we always see on TV, I read them on books and articles over the net. I admire the words that the singers sing, and I wanted that as well, thinking that these things would please God, ministry. I never gave prayer a chance seeing that I’m already doing these stuff, and sometimes asking for the Lord to give me some slack because I’m already doing these stuff, the stuff that makes my teeth grind when I do it, or think about doing it. And I wonder, how do these guys do it? How could the preachers speak with so much confidence and ease, how could singers arrange songs as if they read lyrics carved out from God’s heart, and little did I know that a lot can be birthed from the quiet time that I despised back then. This is where I started to ask for encounter in prayer. At first it was the wordy prayer, everything that came into my mind was the words that came out of my heart, and I started to notice, these are the same words that I speak night in and night out. I got bored, I got bummed with prayer that I just went from 5 minutes tops, to “Thank you for this day, thank you for bringing me home safe, Amen”. Then I started to let my heart do the talking. There was a night when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me of what’s going to happen. I really saw it flash on my head before I made the decision to surf the net, and I brushed it aside feeling that I’m not that weak to fall into lust again. But then I did, and I did exactly what was warned beforehand. Right there and then, my heart screamed and asked for forgiveness. No words but sorry and long moments of silence and through those moments of silence are where I really felt forgiveness and love. No words were uttered but still it was like the Lord was answering everything that my heart was asking. It felt like I’m hearing my heart and the Lord having a sweet and deep conversation about me. And so I asked is this how prayer should be done? Am I really reaching out to you and having a conversation in the heart level? No words were spoken that night, but something changed within me. A burning passion of tapping into that place again, a hunger for God’s heart beat a hunger for that comfort even on times of guilt, there truly is no condemnation in Christ, there is truly delight in his presence, and that is where my passion for prayer ignited. Knowing God in a heart level and feel his kindness for a sinner like me, strengthened me and made me see the cross for what it truly is, a way back to God’s arms, and deeper, his heart. I never really knew God for who he really is. Now the words that are written in the Bible lives compared to the literature that I saw before. And I believe that you can only have that satisfaction that we see in a preachers face as he/she delivers the word of God, and how the song writers arrange such beautiful and inspired words that they sing is when God is REAL within us. And the reality of God can only be attained if we believe that He is, and that belief can be sparked by an encounter through prayer.

The 2nd of July

After a week of grief, and reminiscing funfilled memories of my Tita Jojo, who passed away last week, we're now back on track. Everyone trying to recover, trying to cope with a loss of a loved one isn't as easy as it seems. She's always a part of the family, that certain Ultra family clan, a tight knitted family friends that really doesnt have any blood connections (well to some there is) but calls each other cousins. As a matter of fact, I see them almost everyday durin my childhood years, these people were more close than a cousin to me. This Saturday, when the eulogies was made, it came clear how everyone really got connected to each other. It was like reading, or watching a movie discussing the origin of a really big family.

To Tita, well, you're with God right now, in a better place, in a better world, a place where there's no sadness, no grief, nothing depressing, nothing but love and delight. How I envy your new place. You'll never leave our hearts, you'll always be missed, and remembered. Tita, you may have never heard me, but I was there until your final breath, I never really said goodbye, maybe because I can't, until last Saturday, or until now... Arrivedeci, and till we meet again.

Slice of the Wednesday Pie

It's almost 2 pm, a few hours away from quitting time, and my eyes plays along the music that sooths my ears as I count each tick that rotates in my watch. The checklist of deeds that I've placed in my cubicle are all marked as done, and it's run down the clock time.

And my subconscious awakens.

I have always written everything that goes on the top of my mind, maybe I'd give the stuff that plays behind the curtains a chance to come out.

It's hard to grow up when being young is the only thing that you're good at.

180 Minutes More for the Sky!

Well, the title doesnt really have anything to do with the post, I just wanted to clear my mind off of things.

First of all, I should hand myself some excuse for scoring 67 in my 2nd 9 holes of golf. The first (on a different course) is somewhere near that number aswell. That being said, I'm no Tiger Woods, well... Not yet. Guys, I'm coming after your 50's!

Whew, and maybe the next thing that I should try to get rid off is this rainy day blues. After that chat I had a little over a week ago, everything messed up. My 'Quan' went haywire from left to right, much like what I did in the 1st hole yesterday where I think I shot 11 out of a potential Par 4. Everything, including my positivity, and not rushing, to now wanting her to go back home. This is nowhere near from what is sane. I know, I should let go... Maybe I will, this is why I made this chapter 'Up From The Get Go' too...

Hopefully I could boost myself away from it.

Mierde... Thats the best description I could give about this emotional roller coaster...

Staying positive, one day, It'll all come to a close... right?

New Chapter, new goal. I think it's about time that I should just pick myself up and start from the get go. It's about time for me to clear my head and try to let go of the stuff that should've been gone by now.

I just saw a picture of us together, and I think theres still an irk within me that wants you to be here by my side... Something that wouldn't happen since your Friendster account says that you're in a relationship and realities like we're miles apart... Nautical miles to be exact.

Every girl I meet, as far as I really enjoyed that short tenure of us not being us, never came close to comparison with you, never. I even had my preferences of an ideal woman basing closely to you, well minus the constant bickering of other people (which I really find cute, but cruel heh).

"Don't let real love pass you by", Damn it, I wish I didn't... I really wish I could turn back time and do everything right. But nothing left but a clean slate, and looking for someone who could stay with you on my pedestal, because, the way I see it, no one could ever replace you there.

I was just looking at that picture and I could just hold this smirk, try to hold back the tears and wonder if we could've been great.

My soon-to-be sister in law told me that try looking for that same person that you can really relate to, even with all the explosive craziness that I hold within me, someone like that, share misadvertures with... I just told her, that I think I already did and did nothing about it... I sticked with my infatuation of someone I knew from the very start that it's as close to impossible.

I feel like crap to tell you honestly... I'm just letting these things out so that you would know that hey, this is not yet through...

Funny thought: Holding something that you can't even grasp in the first place.

This is me, hopefully Up from the Get Go...

Are You Having Fun?

A friend made a conclusion about her experiences about guys. What about them, well most of all why relationships are only fun when its just beginning, since guys only put their best foot forward during those stages of courtships and relationships, then everything just crashes and burns as time passes by. Who has she been dating?

Then I thought, well im not like that... how can i be sure of that, ive never been in one... literally... Sad life eh? I deem not. Im still happy... but when it comes to love and relationships, why do one look for one? I mean when you come and look at it... is it really that important to have a really strong connection with the opposite sex on this age? what for? I asked myself the same question and until now i dont have the answers that will enlighten myself. It seems that everything that I need is already here within me, and im talking about Jesus here.

Happiness... Are you having fun? Am I? With life as it is, yes, im seldom seen down and really emotionally burnt... Or again another misconception of myself... I've always been at miserable park all my life... Strolling around pretending to hold someones hand while feeding the doves or staring at the pale moon light. What have i been doing wrong? This is starting to just become serious. And im still wondering why jerks always end up with them?

Again... Am I having fun?
Hell Yeah...
21 Years old... still kicking... im not going down without a fight... I'll press on...