Monday, January 26, 2004

Its Still A Wonderful Lonely World For Me...

A lot of my friends keep on asking me how i live and go along this life without somebody by my side. i just keep on smiling, and never giving them a thought or a word. well sometimes i give them my reasons, but all of them are just the outside. and if you happen to read this, well you got my smiles all wrong. right here is the inner depths of my heart and mind. all those thoughts that i kept on holding while im in public and where everyone who knows me and see me. its just a mask and im just a listener who is still in need of counseling.

the laughters, the gestures, and the smiles are the results of all the beauty of this world can offer. theres too much of it to stay depressed. and all of them are just there for you to find out. but when the sun goes down and the moon rises, gloom enters my heart. sometimes my loneliness eats me up, where i dont find someone to talk to. i just miss that certain person... thats all... i dont know why, i dont know how... but the times that i couldnt sleep... memories keeps on running through my head... just like now... i just dont want to talk about it...

cold is rushing in
the darkness creeping in
i couldnt stand this loneliness
alone and deserted in this mystery they call life
but i still wear this mask
the one you gave me
when im afraid to say something
or show something
a smile, a smirk, laughters, gestures...
a mask...

still here
looking around
walking alone
in this wonderful lonely world

Monday, January 19, 2004

When I Fall

I wish I could fly
From this building, from this wall
And if I should try,
would you catch me if I fall?

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

I'll Be Around

Words fall silent when no one will hear
Emotions are deadly when there's too much to fear
Touch a feeling and we feel again
To know the pleasure, we must know the pain

I'm going down for the last time
Open your eyes

Who's gonna hear you when you're callin'
And who's gonna catch you when you're fallin'
Who's gonna trust you
Well I'll be around for a while

And who's gonna heal you when you're bleeding
And who's gonna give to you when you're needing
And who's gonna love you
Well I'll be around for a while

When love lies bleeding only fools are bold
They search for pennies in a pot of gold
Faith is dying when no one's to trust
But your soul is crying
And it's glorious

It's coming down to the last time
Open your heart

Who's gonna hear you when you're callin'
And who's gonna catch you when you're fallin'
And who's gonna laugh with you
Well I'll be around for a while

And who's gonna warm you when you're freezing
And who's gonna hold you when you're screaming
And who's gonna promise you
to be around for a while

There you stand, drowning in the rain
Kidding yourself the wind don't sting
And all this time the thing you want is calling to you

I dig the way you take that storm
While spitting in the face of right and wrong
Well you could let down your defenses
When you're in my arms

You could my face
in my arms
You could dream on and on
in my arms
You would never be alone
in my arms
You could cry like a child
in my arms

Who's gonna hear you when you're callin'
And who's gonna catch you when you're fallin'
And who's gonna trust you
Well I'll be around for a while

And who's gonna mend you when you're broken
And who's gonna find you when you're stolen
And who will always love you
I'll be around for a while

And who's gonna shield you when it's rainin'
And who's gonna kneel with you when you're prayin'
Who's gonna feel for you
Well I will, I'll be around for a while

Who's gonna help you when you're tryin'
And who's gonna hold you when you're dyin'
Who's gonna beg you
To be around for a while

I Think God Can Explain

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that
I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes

The sent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry

I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed

I'ts alright I'm OK
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away

It's alright I'm OK
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get off of your back

I think God can explain

Monday, January 12, 2004

The Fork in The Old Road

going back...
back to where i lost it
back to the fork in the road where i lost myself
i stumbled upon memories
memories that i dont want to leave behind
i sat and took a rest
i took a good look at the places that we've been
i took a peek on how i looked like then
and i saw my eyes never leaving yours
and i looked at you just doing your old thing
i left and walked more trying to leave those
and then stumbled again to a memory that we have spent
all day long just you and me
all day long, giggling, laughing and smiling
i asked myself why...
why do i keep on looking back where i need to go is right in front of me
why do i keep on clinging to the past where i have lost my sanity
why do i still keep on loving you...
and by then i looked back to where you passed by a long time ago
and to the road where i left myself when i ran to you
i sat and thought whats it going to be
what road will i choose
i gave myself a moment
a moment to reflect and to think for myself
i walked back to the path where you went
and followed my heart
thinking i tripped and stumble along this road
and ill do it all again just to be with you...

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Somebody New

I met somebody new
And she was not like you
i left her
and then i found you
i thought this will be it
until you ran and found somebody else
i chased after you thinking what the hell
and its like im falling in a deep well
i miss those times i was with you
and that wont measure up w/ somebody new
and when i do meet up with somebody new
id tell her shell never measure up with you

Friday, January 09, 2004

NBA: Knicks-Suns Trade

For the New York Knicks. Im watching the Knicks-Rockets game right now, with Hou leading 107-78 with 1:00 remainin, and all i can say that the trade just made the Knicks worse. With McDyess gone, Van Horn is forced to play at PF. Van Horn is tall a spot up shooter but never a post player. He has the height but not the body which a power forward needs. Battling against the top PF in the league will be hard for Van Horn.
The former suns, Marbury and Penny. They are running players, and after the game i watched the Knicks is not a running team. The Knicks is a shooting team and do not play fast breaks as much as the Suns did. I observed Marbury is running after he gets the ball and looks for open players, but open and running players are nowhere to be found on the floor. Allan Houston and Keith Van Horn, the primary Knicks players, are not known for their fast breaks or penetration shots. These players are always looking for an open spot outside the perimiter. Thats why i think the former Suns are not that compatible in the NY lineup. They have a lot of talent in their roster, and my prediction is that they will start winning after a year or two. comment me if im wrong here.

For the Suns. They dont need Mcdyess, and i can see McDyess is still not back to his old Nugget form where he is strong in the post and grabbing rebounds. He may have an excuse because he just got off from his injury and may have his own jitters. But as a veteran you should know how to bring momentum for your team. Back to Phoenix not needing McDyess, they have Amare Stoudamire in their roster, which is injured upto now, and Gugliotta on their bench. They are overflowing with PF's. Marion is still playing good, and rising young stars such as Joe Johnson and Leandro Barbosa who is starting to step up for the Suns. Johnson the top scorer with 25 for the Suns yesterday against the Bucks, and Barbosa with 16 (which is the normal numbers for Marbury) is filling out the gap that Stephon and Penny left. I can say that Phoenix got rid of unecessary expenses for young and promising stars who needs their exposure.

The Suns got the best of this deal, sure Knicks got the names but the Suns got a future for their former bench players like Barbosa and Johnson. Now as Coach Rev said, Can i get a lay up?

Staying and Wondering

wondering where can you be
i havent heard from you for a while
i miss you so much
i hope you realize this feeling i have
dont mind me im just here
waiting for you
thats all you have been doing
not minding me
maybe because im just here
still wondering where can you be
youve been gone too long
i just want to talk to you
i just want to say how i feel
i cant let this go on forever
forever trapped inside me
where the burden is building
each and everyday its growing
wondering where can you be
havent heard from you for a while
please im begging you
give me a ring
just say to me hi
then say goodbye
then ill be by myself again
waiting for you
just here... right here
all i have to do is wait
for my feeling to fly away
wondering where can you be
my love where are you
just tell me where you are right now
and ill be right here waiting

"sometimes i think that im dumb, or maybe retarded. sometimes i think that im not. sometimes i think im loved, but then again, maybe not. hey i know you know who you are... all im saying im just right here waiting..."

Thursday, January 08, 2004

The Thursday Morning Kick-Off

Thinking about the NCAA-South is just around the corner. and our team is really out of shape. Take a look at me, sure i do know how to dribble, pass, shoot, and make alot of fancy moves when not pressured. And for sure, our opponents in that tournament will always pressure someone who is likely to fumble while dribbling the ball. I also lack consistency on my games. Some games i do wear my gameface, but only when forced to. A lot of times im that goody goody two boots football player who wont hurt a chick. My point is how will i survive with this kind of mentality and pressure running through me? We'll know because the league is already starting two weeks from now. My rookie debut as a football player. My time to shine, or whine, or whatever.

Later we will have our weekly practice, and thank God our coach will be there again. I remembered last Tuesday when our sweeper (lets hide him in the name of Terminator, because thats what he usually do to forwards, he Terminates them... literally) nearly ended the career of three high school players. I saw the spoil, the way they moaned and grinned in pain, and the way the terminator stared at them with no emotions. I'll have to give it to the Terminator, because thats what sweepers do... the sweep the m**th**f**ck**s off of their feet. I had mine last year, it nearly got me out of the line up for NCAA-South.

Lets go back to thinking about it. Where was I? Our out of shape college team. We had our fun in the pitch, had a few serious games, and when i say few i say few, and had a short time for serious training. But honestly, we lack experience, some of us resistance which is really necessary for the whole 90 minutes in the pitch. Again thinking about this make me sweat my ass off. I cant stay that long, i cant even stay for a whole half! I admit, Im huge, im slow, but im strong.

Well enough about this and lets go to one of the funniest highlights of the past year. We all know about our noisy, hyper friend La Rosa. And we also know the moronic idiot who cant speak a damn word clearly, Dy also known as the Yakuza, The Last Samurai, or simply the Idiot in school. Did i mention that he's a pathetic loser? Ok here it goes. It was just narrated to me by my friend who would liked to be called "DAO". It all began to La Rosa calling Dy "The Last Samurai" for maybe 50 times a day? i dont know but all i know that it is hella lot! Then blah blah blah and they end up fighting. First Dy tried to break La Rosa's left wrist, but it didnt work, no matter how hard Dy tried, it really... really didnt work. He huffed, He puffed and he even make a single bone snap. La Rosa got irritated and punched him smack down on the face. Dy, as a pathetic moron that he is, started to huff and puff and chased La Rosa until La Rosa bumped into the Vice Dean. Well the funny line from Dy is "Bakit ayaw mong magpasapak?" which is another reason that i can support my pathetic loser statement. Who the hell whould like to get him punched by a man who looks like an overgrown sloth?!? Can you see my point? That was it... The highlight of last year.

Its almost 9:30 here and im about to switch classrooms. The first period has ended, and ill put an end of this mumbo jumbo. Have a nice Day!!!

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

searching for myself

for once in my life
i have seen myself
weary and tired of the journey
thinking of giving up
thinking of sitting down
overlooking the tough path
theres still a thousand miles to go
looking for somewhere to rest
looking for somewhere to take a break
when all the time i was running towards her
i almost forgot what i am supposed to do
i chose the wrong forks in the road behind
i chose the path she passed
and not what i wanted to
i sacrificed my whole self
just to get to her
i sat down and thought
maybe i should just let her go...
let her live her own
and as for me...
ill go back
look for myself...
the way i am when i left it behind

-Wandering Dreamer-

The Untitled

i sighed and saw that it was still imposibble...
thinking about running away
from you that i always think of...
when all the time i was chasing you...
you that i miss the most
i cant help that i am so in love with you
leaving a thought that i could never be near you
now i ask for just one moment from you
to think about this for a second
a dream of mine yet to come true
or will it stay as a dream...
my a dream... just to be with you

-Wandering Dreamer-

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

This is My World

The look on your face
It could never explain your heart
And the touch of my lips
It could never tell u my thoughts

And U want me to change
I can't get used to
All U want me to be
I just can't pretend
To be anyone else
Cuz it's not really me

This is my world
This is who I am
And I'm not gonna give up myself
To make your life better

She said
This is how it is
I got my own life to live
And U can either accept me
Or baby

And if it's love
That we share
Then we can withstand all
The obstacles that life brings forth
And I will receive you
For who U are who u were
And baby who U will be

But U want me to change
Girl I can't get used to
All U want me to be
And I just can't pretend
To be anyone else, oh
Cuz it's not really me

This is my world
This is who I am
And I'm not trying to give up myself
To make your life better, now

This is how it is
I got my own life to live
And U can either accept me
Or baby

This is my world
This is who i am
And I'm not trying to give up myself
To make your life better

She said
This is how
I got my own life to live
And U can either accept me
Or baby let me go

U said I promise you the stars
And I'm
Giving you all I can now
U said love is not enough
And I know
U will see
If your life turns around
In my heart there is room for u

It's me and my world
This is who i am
And I'm not trying to give up myself
To make your life better

She said
This is how
I got my life
And U can either accept me
Or baby

This is my world
Who I am
And I'm not trying to give up myself
To make your life better, now

Oh, this is how
And I got my life
And U can either accept me
Or baby let me go

This is my world
My world
Baby let me go

Oh, this is who I am
Where I live
Got my own life to give

Oh, oh oh
My world
I'm not trying to change u
This is who I am
Please let me be me, yeah

-Darius Rucker-

shutting down...

as i lay me down tonight
with expectations of sleeping tight
thoughts swerving inside my head
making me squiggle on my bed

leave me be love of mine
and i will drink my wine
for so long i longed to live
alone again why wont you leave

i ask you to leave me be
for the moon reminds me of thee
love i have for you i wish to hold
but you wont let me own

as i lay me down tonight
soundly i sleep tight
thoughts swerving inside my head
peacefully i dreamt on my bed...

something that is nothing......

now everything is clear to me...
that something that is nothing is something you cant have...
probably that nothing is something...
probably something that really means something...
and im not pointing out at something...
but i do..
you just might be missing something...
something that is nothing...

-Wandering Dreamer-

a little bit too late...

there was a time that i thought i was just passing through
when all that time i was chasing someone
someone i have followed through the long and rough road
eventhough i am barefooted i just walked and ran
but somewhere along the road i tripped,
and i stand up and ran just to lessen the distance
but when i figured out that i am close enough just to tap her
she was not alone, but also having fun
i knelt and figured out that it was a little bit too late

-Wandering Dreamer-

Here Without You...

A normal day, the sun is perfectly shining until a friend of mine passed by
I took a peek on the drivers seat, and gave him a greeting and a handshake
he told me that i have to take a look at the back seat for there is someone who is for me
i looked and suddenly a gush of blood rushed through my body
there she is the girl of my dreams.
she hugged me as soon as i offered her me hand as a greeting
she drove her face down my shoulder, weeping.
i asked my friend what happened,
i didnt even wait for his reply and asked her what happened.
i took her out of the pick up truck and offered her a glass of water and a simple talk.
days passed by after that moment and we were together, as friends or more than that
everyday i saw her and i grabbed her hand.
i still see her sad and lonely, despite the fact that i am there with her
there were hugging and holding hands.
moments that i have thought of before
but never really happened until now.
she transferred to the same school i am with now
seeing her everyday, my heart again got up from a nasty fall she gave it last time
i cant believe this is happening.
we were holding hands as if we dont want to let go
until i opened my eyes, and it was gone.
i just layed there staring at the sky where the sun was rising
and i asked why...
it was just a dream...
and that night... i never really wanted it to be one...
the sad part is... eventhough it was a dream...
i never really gave a moment to tell her how much i love her...

-Wandering Dreamer-

something missing......

i just noticed after a good night sleep that something was missing in my life... something i can never say mine... something? someone like *you*... maybe just maybe... someday... someday...

-Wandering Dreamer-

Back to the same old thing i call life....

near the edge i stand
facing the brink of death i am
fighting away from what i call life
holding back not willing to give up
wind piercing, pusing me to fall
holding back not willing to give up
fighting away from what i call life
feet slipping, mud bracing
fighting away from what i call life
holding back not willing to give up
final blow of wind blew me away
screams and piercing wind gushed my face
inches from where death stand
water embraced me like a lost son
splashes everywhere saving me
waking me
telling me
go back to where you came from
i woke up this morning
knowing that this will be the last of them days
bringing me back to what i call life...

-Wandering Dreamer-

"Deja Vu"

As I was about to end my life, someone held me back. And that someone pulled me away from what I about to end. Life has been cruel to me, all life handed to me was pain and suffering, not physically but emotionally. But after that time when I was about to end it all, there is this one girl who called me and not to do what I am about to do. She was there, staring at me, and tear fell from her eyes. I don’t even know this girl but she held me back. She gave me a new beginning. She gave me life. But the way she looked at me, it seemed that I knew this girl before. As I was staring at her, she fell down to her knees and begged for me to step down. I did and I went to her. She looked at me with her teary eyes that made me weep. The way she looks at me means something, it seems that she is hurting more than I do. I helped her up as she was telling me not to do it. I got my hanky and wiped the tears off her eyes, I told her to stop crying, I told her not to worry about anything because I am staying and I am staying because of her. I will not forget the way she made me felt guilty that night. She made me think that my perception is just straight forward, where pain and suffering is seen. She took off my blindfold and made me see the beauty in this world. There are a lot of them to stay depressed. She never told me her name, and I never saw her again. I guess she was an angel sent by God for me, she was sent to keep me alive. Maybe she was my angel.

Days go by and people passed by, until I met someone I think I should follow. It was just a normal day, and I went to let time fly. I spent my afternoon wandering alone in the mall. Until I felt an urge to go to McDonald’s to eat. I forgot that I haven’t eaten all day. I stood in line just like everybody is doing. When I was next in line, the lady in front of me accidentally spilled her drinks on me. The changed man I am, I smiled at the lady and noticed something familiar when she looked at me. There is really something in her eyes that keeps me at peace, she felt sorry for me and offered to pay for my meal. I rejected the offer because it was no big deal. I was wearing black so the spilled drink is not that obvious. So I just asked tissue from the counter to wipe my self off. As soon as I got my order, I noticed that the place was crowded. I saw the lady was eating alone, I noticed that she seemed trouble with a lot of people around her. It looks like she’s new in town, so I asked if I could sit with her. She gladly accepted my offer and had a quiet lunch. I thought I should break the silence and crack a joke. She was startled the way I delivered it. I asked her if the joke bothered her. I asked her if the joke was corny, or is it a green one. A lot of bothering thoughts drove inside my head. Until she spoke that it was nothing. Maybe she was just startled by the way I tell jokes, loud. So I asked her name, and she told me that it was Angela. As soon as I got her name I gave her mine. She was really quiet, and I never got any information about her. She ate as if I was never there, I noticed that she never replaced her drink. I stood up and ordered another one. As soon as I got back to our table she was gone. She left me a note that says “thanks for the company, I hope I can repay you back for the kindness you showed a stranger today, I’m sorry about the accident, and thanks for getting me that drink, hope to see you again”. I smiled as soon as I finished reading the message. As soon as I finished up my meal I went home.

Still confused about the lady that I saw. She reminds me of someone I cant figure out. She’s probably someone from my high school. As soon as I got that thought, I got my yearbook and checked an Angela. No Angela resembles the face I saw. I found myself wasting time by figuring out who it was until I fell asleep.

The sun shone directly to my face waking me up. I got up fixed my breakfast and prepared for college. I remembered I used to call someone to remind her that I love her, I used to tell her to take care and don’t forget to eat, but now its just what I call memories. I found myself standing still while having flashbacks, and I have to cross that line to move on. I scrambled eggs and cooked hotdogs, I smiled knowing that that’s the only food I know how to cook, lunch and dinners are always fast food. It’s really hard to be alone. I prayed that someday ill meet someone who’s going to help me go through my loneliness, I asked him if I could be with someone who could cheer me up when I’m down, and someone who will be there all the time. Suddenly, rain poured after I said my last words, classes was immediately suspended. I sat down on the couch and see what’s on television, but there was none. The receptions are bad, the cable is down, and later on electricity was cut off. Wind began blowing hard, I think this is quite a storm that surprisingly appeared. After 3 hours, the rains and winds subsided. I predicted that if I stayed at home ill be totally bummed. And so I changed, and planned to waste time again at the mall. The mall is 4 blocks away from my house, so I’ll just bring my umbrella and wear my jacket I’ll reach the mall dry, not unless the rain pours again. After passing by 2 blocks I saw a lady drenched, and sitting near a light post having chills. I asked if someone already called an ambulance or nothing, but she never replied. I took off my jacket and I wrapped it around her, I picked her up and went back to my apartment to warm her up. As soon as I got back I got some of my clothes for her to wear. I left her locked inside my room as I was preparing coffee for her. As soon as she got out, I saw that she was Angela. Mysterious as she was, she broke the silence barrier that was keeping us from talking after a few minutes when she saw me. She thanked me for what I have done for her. She also asked me if she could stay here for a while. I fixed the other bed that was in my room and placed a blanket between the beds, just to keep our privacy. Since we don’t know each other that much. We had a good time talking over a hot coco and we got to know each other. Angela is 1 month and 2 days younger than me, she is about 5’3 with shoulder length black hair, and what alarms me a lot are her angelic face and her tame eyes that always catches my attention. She has a cute voice, and she really has bubbly attitude that makes me smile everyday I see her. I always thought that Angela is a quiet person, because when I first saw her, I thought she was clumsy and a quiet type of person.

The day drew in to close and the sun hid as the moon rose, Angela offered to cook dinner. I watched her make dinner. I can smell that it tastes delicious. After dinner I was so full and she was so glad to see me happy about the meal. why shouldn’t I, it was a delicious meal. Angela and I watched television together as it began to operate well again. We were having fun teasing low rated shows and mocking actors that don’t act well. She looked cute as she was laughing at me while I am doing my Marvin the Martian impersonation, she thought that I was really cute doing it and she made me do it all the time. The dark began to eat all lights outside, everyone is starting to sleep, and my companion is already asleep. So I slowly turned off the television and lay her tired body to bed… I took a quick shower to freshen up, I looked at her sleep peacefully, and I covered the space between us as I pulled the curtains I placed and laid down to bed. before I shut my eyes, I looked up through the roofs and imagining that God is up there expecting something from my mouth as he was smiling, and thanked Him for what he has done to my life. Everything changed, since Angela came in, as soon as I said the last word of my prayers I smiled at him as I thanked him again and sleep.

Morning broke and Angela was staring at me smiling, waiting for me to say good morning with my Marvin the Martian impersonation, but I never did. Instead I grabbed her by the head and played with her hair, I never had a morning that was filled with joy. I remembered that once I was trapped inside dark and gloomy room filled with misery, and now I am with Angela in a colorful and joyful room. At first I was lonely, but now I am not. All these thoughts ran through my head like cars outside, they come and they go. Well all I hope is that something I have now will stay. Good thing it was a Saturday so I don’t need to go to class. I have a lot of time to spend with Angela. As the day passes by, something inside me warms up when ever I am with Angela. I can feel my eyes sparkle whenever I see her, especially when she smiles, I can’t stop smiling too. I can see that harmony was with us. Were a perfect match. Were a match made in heaven just like everyone will say. Nothing goes wrong between us. And whenever we are together, there is a different kind of unison that is happening whenever we held hands. And He sent her to me, so I thought that it wont go wrong.

My love grew for Angela. Each and everyday, I am lying to myself. I got home from college after a few hours, I asked Angela to go with me. I went to the top of the apartment building where the moon is in full view. I told her that every night before you came, this place has been my sorrow place. But now I can feel the magic the moon is giving to every person who is in love. I looked at her admiring the moon. I drew closer to Angela. I took the risk to tell her how I am feeling at that time. I held her hands and drew it closer to my heart, as I was to say something she pulled her hands away. I took her hands again and asked her to look straight to my eyes. She tried to but every time she looks at me she turns away. I begged her to look at me for this night is special for me. As soon as she set her eyes on me, and my hands on her hands, I told Angela my true feelings and I told her that I lover her very much, I told her that without her I could die, that without Angela I could have hatred placed in my heart. Tears ran through Angela’s cheeks and rain began to pour. Angela turned away as my heart began to fail. Right there and then, I knew what was in Angela’s mind. So I stood and walked away, as I was about to leave the place, she spoke the words that I will never forget. She told me she’s sorry because she can’t love me back. She told me that even if she could it will never happen. Pain and suffering began to enter my emotions. I looked at her, and asked her that why only now, I asked her why only now when my feelings for deepens and how it spread through my entire being. I told her that each and everyday I’ve been thinking of you. I told Angela that if it weren’t for you I am never going to be this happy. Not waiting for answers and emotions taking place, I was about to end my life. I was about to jump and Angela held me back. Angela pulled me away from death. As soon as I touched the middle of the platform, she cried. Angela was there, staring at me, and tears fell from her eyes. She told me she was sorry. As soon as she was to say anything, I took my handkerchief and asked her to hush. I held her head close to me as I wiped her tears, and said. “Don’t cry no more, for your tears are my tears, your sufferings are mine, and the misery you felt are all mine, cry no more my angel, I will stay…”

--- END ---

“from darkness you pulled me out, from misery you made me smile. You gave me back the smile that wasn’t there when you came, I hoped you’d stay as I prayed for you to come. I hope that you’d be there always when I need someone as I promised myself that I’d be there for you. For I loved an angel who’ll never love me back, for I still love an angel when I know that I can’t be like that. My love for you my angel.”

-Wandering Dreamer-

Monday, January 05, 2004

"The Love That I Never Had"

There I was, standing in front of everyone inside a church. Everyone was dressed sharp and I can’t picture out what am I doing inside a church full of dressed people. The church organ began to sound as if someone was going to be married. The church door opened and I can’t picture out whom it was, the light was against my vision, and I can only see the figure of the person who’s entering. One is a woman and the other was a tall man, a father figure with a daughter who was about to get married. I saw myself standing in front of an altar beside my best friend. I’m still confused. Is this what I think it is? Am I going to be married with her? I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus on who she was. The organ began to play again and she started walking towards me. Everyone looked at her, I saw my mom looking at me weeping and smiling. I can say it was tears of joy. Beside her were a bundle of people I'm familiar of but I can’t tell who they were.

She began to draw closer to my sight; it was a long walk until I can see her. As she drew closer and closer to me a clear picture of her face began to appear. It was Kate. Kate? But I thought it’s impossible, because my last memory of her was she and her boyfriend was deeply in love with each other. She was my love that never was. It made me confused. What’s this? I cant understand any part of the situation I’m in. but still, there she was, standing in front of me. I looked through her and I can see her smiling, with glittering eyes. Are we in love? I know I love her but… its still impossible…the ceremonies began. The minister began preaching and doing the rites of marriage. I’m still confused but managed to smile. We told our vows, we attached the rings of commitment, the rings of forever. And the sun began to shine. I saw myself in my boxers and lying on my bed. I stood up quickly washed my eyes off sleep. I looked in the mirror and noticed that it was a dream. I checked my phone if there’s any message for me. I checked and there was a message from her. “I’m coming to town and I’m looking for a familiar face to be with while I’m there doing my business trip, mind if I bother you?” I replied quickly and right after the message was sent, a knock on the door shocked me. I began to dress properly. There she was with her bags and stuff. I picked it up for her as I asked her to come in my humble home. I was still a mess…she made fun of my hair and tried to fix it with her fingers.

After that dream and this, what is it trying to imply? I’ll leave that question to answer later. I made breakfast, just normal spam and eggs can do, for me, but I don’t know what to prepare knowing that the girl that I was trying to make me love me is right here. After cooking the meal I called her… there’s no answer, I went and checked out my room… “Breakfast is rea…. dy”. She was sleeping, I went out to get a blanket knowing that January is a cold month, maybe for them, for me who’s living alone everyday is cold. I laid a blanket over her and fixed the hair that was irritating her face. “I wish my dream will come true”. Sigh

Its already 11:00 and there’s no use of going to work that late, I might as well go to the grocery and buy stuff for lunch and dinner. After I bought the stuff I need I went home and there she was, preparing lunch for the both of us. I stood there in the door of my home and there she was, smiling. “Where have you been? Just finished cooking, lets eat!” looking at her act that way, she seemed to appear as my wife. Well, I sat at our dining table and we ate. She was smiling at me when I finished up my meal and asked for more, the food was perfect and she seemed glad that I finished it all up.
The whole day we were together, we shared experiences and stuff. We reminisced high school days, she was laughing and smiling. Some memories were sad some was fun, I cant believe that I’m spending the whole day with her, eating chips, drinking beer, sitting on the couch and talking nonsense, we’re just laughing our day out. That’s what I’m good at. Well night came and it was cold, she asked me to bring her to the night sights around the city. We strolled around the park and she was shivering, we sat at the park bench and I hugged her behind to keep her warm, without regrets she held my hand wrapped around her and she sighed. I looked at her and she seemed troubled. I asked her to go home and talk about what’s bothering her. After we hanged our coats and lit the fireplace, I fixed up some coffee for the both of us. I gave her my blanket and wrapped it around her; she sat beside me, laid her head on my shoulder. “I saw problems in your eyes awhile ago… what’s the matter?” I asked. “…” She never replied and I looked at her she was sleeping. I stayed beside her for the whole remainder of the evening.

Morning came and I found myself sleeping on the couch, a blanket on top of me and a pillow on my head. I stood up quickly, something, or someone’s missing, I looked around her and she was gone. Just like that.

The phone rang I picked it up and answered. It was Kate… “Sorry to leave you like that but I don’t want to give you any burden that I’m carrying right now… I should have told you but I chose not to… I don’t want to mess the life you are living right now….”

“Where are y…” *click *teeeeeet

She hanged up. I quickly changed, I looked for every phone booth that I know, but she was nowhere to be found. I ate my breakfast at the diner near the airport. And there was a familiar figure sitting alone at the corner… I whispered “is it her…”, “naaaah… its just my hallucination” why am I thinking like this? Why am I bothering to look for Kate, I don’t understand, I think I still have feelings for her. The dream… she came to my home… I think it fits well… I tried contacting her phone number but there was no answer. I tried calling her mobile number, she answered… “Antawn please, not you, I don’t want to mess anything your in now… let me be… let me be” *click. I sat on my couch. I saw myself looking at everything that we went through that day, I fell in love again. I searched my room where she slept there was a note lying beside a picture…

Antawn, I’m so sorry I came, I know from the start you were falling from me, I saw you’re eyes and I cant deny that I’m falling too… I cant see or figure out why, but then I woke up, I saw you’re picture with Jayme and you looked in love I saw your hand and there was a silver ring. I’m so sorry that I nearly messed up your life, I probably don’t know what I was doing that day, but I learned to love you, easily, maybe because I saw the kindness and sweetness you handed to me, I regretted those days back in high school that I never noticed the love you were showing and giving me. I’m so sorry, we might have been perfect. Please love Jayme the same way you gave me back then, I’m wishing the best of you two… good luck through life, I’m very sorry, but I must tell you that I love you…
I looked at my ring finger and there it was, my wedding ring with Jayme. I forgot all about her when she came back again. I went inside the comfort room stared at my mirror and saw myself in tears. I washed my face, tried to pull myself back together and told myself, for I was broken down to pieces. The night was done and I lay down and took a rest.

I woke up facing reality. Ill never have Kate. I will just face the fact that I am already married and what are left of Kate are just mere memories of my old love. I’m still down, but I have to go to work today, I already missed work I might lose it if I won’t work today. As I prepared to get to work, the phone rang. It was Jayme and she’ll be arriving tonight and I can see that she’s very excited to go home. I have to pull myself together, my wife is coming home, if she sees me like this, I might affect her mood. I went on to let my day pass on by. I went to work, still wrecked because of what happened. I just did my job for the day, I just sat in front of my computer, and did whatever the big man told me to do. Antawn do this, do that, get me my coffee, bring me this, and bring me that. It reminded me of a puppet and his puppeteer, but that’s life, ill deal with that next time. Time passed by and its already 5:30 pm. Quitting time and time to pick up my wife. I went home to change and get myself back together. I got my tape that’s full of up beat songs to make me happy, somehow. I sang myself all the way to the airport, and there she was. The moment I saw her, everything changed, the way she screamed my name as she saw me, the way she smiled when she saw the car drawing closer to where she was, and the way she makes me feel right every time I see her. Just looking at her standing outside waving at me, made me remember how she was then. I came closer, opened the locks of my car, went outside to grab her, and hug her tightly, I missed her. As if she want away for so long and now she’s here again. And everything changed. I picked up her bags, I placed it in the trunk, and quickly returned to open the door for Jayme, my wife. She hugged, and kissed me before she entered the vehicle. We had a good time picking up where we left, as the conversation grew deeper within the long way home, I completely forgot everything about Kate. As if she never came back, as if she never existed. And the more we talked, and the more we laughed, the more she pulls me away from the grasps of Kate. Jayme is my angel.

As we reached home, I got her bags and just remembered that tomorrow is our anniversary day, our second year anniversary. We talked for a while over some whine in our couch. We reminisced about our past and laughed about things we found funny. And then she punched in a question, “What happened to Kate in our high school days, the last thing I remembered is that you’re really crazy about her.” I just laughed and said, “That was nothing, I’m just infatuated with her, and then I found you…” Jayme smiled as I brushed my hand through her hair. I never mentioned anything about tomorrow. Because in my mind, I already have planned a perfect dinner for the both of us. I stood, and I fixed two cups of coffees for the both of us. And when I returned from the bar she was sleeping already. I placed the cups on the table and picked her up, and lay her tired body to bed. The night went on as I watch her sleep. I finished up the coffee that I fixed and it made me not want to sleep anymore. She was sleeping, calmly, as I watched her smile and sleep at the same time. She is really an angel. I woke up and there is a blanket over me, she did the same thing, she watched me sleep as I watched her last night. I looked at her and she’s smiling as if she’s waiting for me to say something, but I plan to surprise her later. So I got up never mentioning anything but good morning honey. So I got up from the chair where I slept last night. Jayme followed me as she wraps her arms around my neck. And we walked together to our kitchen. I told Jayme to sit down and watch the cook to prepare breakfast. As I was busy scrambling eggs and cooking corned beef, she surprisingly kissed me. “What was that for?” I asked together with a smile, “You’re wearing the kiss the cook apron, so why not, the cook is very handsome you know” Jayme replied. I told myself, yeah why not, the cook is really handsome, and smiled. Jayme sat down in a cute manner that reminds me of a kid, and the way she makes me feel fine and dandy really boosts up my morale to do good through out the day. I served breakfast as we ate and played with our food. She played her spoon as if it was an airplane as she puts her spoon inside my mouth and as I feed her as well. After we finished breakfast she prepared a sandwich for me for my lunch at work. And after I got dressed, she fixed up my tie, she kissed me and she hands me the bag with the sandwich in it along with the take care and have a nice day kiss again. I kissed her back along with a see you later for her. And so I went to work.

I smiled and sang songs of love as I drove to work. It was a really perfect Wednesday morning where I think nothing can go wrong. Till I got to the office and right away I was called inside the big bosses office. I thought it was trouble, but then again maybe not. So I went in with confidence and greeted Mr. Gregory good morning. “Sit Down” he said, with a sharp tone I thought I was in deep waters. But after long words of wisdom I smiled because he just gave me a promotion to Senior Marketing Developer. He asked me if I am interested to take the job right away. He told me that the office right next to my former desk would be mine if I’ll take the job. So I stood, and shook hands with Mr. Gregory as I gladly accepted the offer. I walked out smiling as I get my new job.

I walked into my new office and gave Chef Antonio a call. I asked for a favor, and he accepted it, I asked him if he could reserve a seat for two and place candles and roses in our table, and I asked if he could prepare a Carlo Rossi for my wife and me. He gladly took the favor and granted me my wishes. As the day went by, I passed through a pet shop and bought a puppy for Jayme, my wife. I went by Don Antonio’s and paid for all of my expenses. As I reached home I hid the puppy behind my back, I wanted it to be a surprise. Suddenly I felt that something is wrong, but I thought not with a day like this, not with a day that everything has gone well. I checked everywhere but Jayme is not there. I checked the bedroom and the letter Kate gave me when she took off was there lying on the bed. I placed the puppy on the floor. As I sat down, and crushed on the situation. I saw beside the letter the guitar I always wanted, with a letter attached to it. I cat read it for it was wet, wet with tears. I tried to read the paper, and the ink was already blurred, but I can picture the words out, Happy Anniversary Honey. She locked me in a place that I can’t breathe, she left me wandering alone in oblivion. It was total darkness without my angel, without Jayme, without my wife on our anniversary. I tried to find her, I called he mobile phone but it’s off. I guess she doesn’t want me to reach her. I guess Jayme is really disappointed at me for not telling her at all, and I cant deny the fact that I fell for Kate, and forgot all about Jayme when Kate showed up. As tears ran down my cheeks, I picked up the guitar, and played our song. Maybe it’s too late now that Jayme is gone, and I don’t know where she went. I checked out the cabinet, and found that all of her clothes are not there anymore, she left, and she took off. She even left the dress I got her for tonight. My heart was once again broken into pieces. I still wanted Jayme to come back, I still want her to be here, and I want to see her smile at times like these. I sat down hoping that she’ll come back, hoping she’ll return and forgive me.

I woke up sitting in the chair, still dressed the way I was dressed yesterday, the puppy was sleeping beside my foot, which reminded me that last night was for real. Last night, Jayme rook off, and left me for being an idiot. Once again I tried to pick up the pieces and mold myself back to its proper form. But that’s going to take a long time to fix. Now that my angel is gone, I can’t go on. I went to the kitchen to fix myself a meal. And I just remembered how she kissed me yesterday when I was wearing this apron, I’m a total wreck. I can’t even cook, how am I going to work. So I just changed for work, and left the puppy alone. I got the puppy so she wont be alone while I’m at work, but I guess, the puppy will be alone. I left food for the puppy to eat while I’m at work.

I can see what will happen today, nothing, with me going like this, nothing good can go on. When I got to work, I did all that I have to do and finish everything and go home. Time passes so slowly when you’re not having fun, I just sat there, doing nothing after I signed papers and talk to people on the phone, I tried to be okay, I tried to smile, and hid my loneliness behind the mask i'm wearing today. The day passed and I’m off home. Kate gave me a call, she asked me what happened, maybe she heard it somewhere, or maybe Jayme talked to Kate, she asked if she can come over. I said sure why not, I really need company. Still depressed when she arrived, I fixed 2 cups of coco for Kate and me, we sat talked about what happened, and I saw myself looking down. Kate tried to help me. She gave me good advices and she told me to give Jayme time to be alone for a while. After all of the counseling she gave me, I started to cry, then she gave me a hug. It gave me a boost. And my heart started pumping again. It seems like Kate helped me out of the dark hole Jayme locked me in, she was there to help me, and when I got out, she gave me a hug. So I asked my self what was that for. I never got the answer until she told me that she’d be there for me. It seems like I still love Kate. It seems like I haven’t got the chance to tell her I do. At this moment, I found myself standing on the space between where lies helps me stay away from pain. It seems like I’m playing tug-o-war and I’m the rope where do I have to go. At this moment Kate tugged the strongest. And I found myself wrapped around her hands. I felt sorry for myself, for I have lived a lie. Everything was a lie. She held my hand and told me that it’ll be okay. I nodded and gave her a ride home. She moved to an apartment near my home. She kissed me goodnight and take care as I watched her enter the blue door of the building she’s residing in.

I felt rejuvenation as I drove home, I felt like I’m a kid again. As I reached home, I sat down on my couch, and evaluated the situation. Jayme left me because of Kate, why should I wonder if Jayme would be mad, Jayme already is mad, because of Kate, and who am I planning to date with? It’s Kate! So I should go for it. As soon as I made up my mind I got up, picked up the phone and called Kate, I asked for a movie. And she gladly accepted it. We started dating and having fun. We were wasting time, and all along the way I thought we were in love. So I kept quiet and just thought it might be better to be this way. I don’t want to mess anything I’m experiencing now. I’m having fun so why waste the chance for the happiness and the joy to be ruined. I’m in love I just don’t know about Kate, it seems to me that she is, but I wont take the risk. All I know is that were good friends that is just wasting time, together. So on did the dating go, almost every other day of our lives we went out after work. It felt that when we were together magic was between us. Binding us together, like the north and south poles of the magnet. Keeping us in touch with each other.

On and on the day goes by, until I made up my mind to take the risk. One day I asked her to go watch a movie, and its one of those horror movies, I like her when she gets scared. The way she grabs my hand and the way she looks when she’s terrified. I just like to stare at her the whole movie. She really puts the A in my name. For without her, id still me a wreck. And I thank her for molding me the way Jayme molded me when Kate left me. I hope that she’s the one. And so did the movie go, I didn’t even understand on scene for the one I’m watching is Kate. She noticed me staring at her angelic face, she asked me what’s the matter, so I pretended to be sleeping with my eyes open, she laughed and slapped me in my arm. So I pretended to be ignorant and not knowing what’s happening. So the movie was done. We got out, and she was asking me a lot of questions about the movie. I made up things she didn’t even notice. I took Kate out for dinner after the movie we talked about stuff but never really entered love. The topic was not available at that time. So I asked her if she’s seeing someone right now. She nodded, and she told me that the man is really sweet, charming and really fun to be with. I pretended that I’m not affected with her reply, but then she touched me in the cheek, and told me it’s me. My heart jumped up and down as she told me that it was I. “Kate, where are we now?” I asked while grabbing both of her hands as I tangle mine with hers. “I don’t really know, and I can’t tell right now, but were good friends right?”, Kate replied. Rain poured that night, and the rain clouds were above me, it was really hard for me to keep my chin up after that blow. I expected something that wasn’t there all along. She said that what she’s doing is really wrong for I am a married man. So she ran away from me. As I went to follow her and stop her from running away, she turned and I saw tears from her cheeks as she waved and spoke the words goodbye, and that’s the last thing I ever heard from Kate.

Alone I walked, wandering in this angry world, I learned how to smile when I was down emotion was never a sight in my face anymore. The pain I suffered made me empty inside. It made me realize that I should have fought for the love that was there, the love that was ever present when I was with Jayme. I lost my grip and I lost the battle. I miss Jayme so much. And I was a stupid man to let her go, that way.

Days passed, Jayme and I got divorced along the way, and she set me free as I tried to hold her back. She thought we were young people playing love the wrong way. She told me to go where my heart is, but if I follow my heart, I hope I wont be standing alone in the road while I wait for Jayme. I hope she follows the road her heart leads her to. I hope 10 years later, she’ll be there together with me walking hand in hand, under the rain or in sunshine. I know I played love the wrong way… and Jayme is the love I never had.

--- END ---

“You left me as I was chasing after you, you ran away when I was trying to hold you, I’m still hoping that you’ll be there 10 years later, I’ll wait for you, even if it takes for me to be alone for a while. I asked the stars once and they told me you were the one, and I believed in them, as they replied to me. You never saw me this way, and I wanted you to see how my heart reacts to the pain you gave me. And I want you to see how my thoughts scream while you punish me with loneliness… i'm still in love with you, don’t take me for granted.” This is for you… you know who you are.