2-22

i toss and turn
bothered by my demise
delight has clearly robbed me of my prize

i thought i could handle it
i thought i could stand
how could i run away from the one who holds my hand

i have to get up
i have to make a stand
i can never let myself go from my fathers hand

i toss and turn
still thinking about the love i consistently learn
always there to steer me away from a bad turn

somehow i wonder, my father
why do you let me go
knowing that my heart will crumble each time i fall

wounded and shattered,
battered when i falter
hopeless in walking, i'll just crawl to my father

how far would you let me be?
i'm desperate for serenity
knowing you, that's how i need thee

my knees bleed
my palms caloused and filled with dirt
when will i come home and wear you son's shirt

i've gone far enough, i know
4 days enough to let these sorrows show
still wrecked to know what a sacrifice i'm worth

everything you've left behind
just to get me back, and only to find
a crippling love that will always remind

no matter the distance i've gone
in your heart, in your arms
there's home that i'll always find.

I Hope I'm Wrong

"a sight that I wish that I won't see this season"

Today, I woke up hoping that the Suns wouldn't do the drastic change I saw yesterday in the news But then again this image turned up as I went to Y!Sports, and I couldn't agree more with what the front page said. Style Senseless...

So what will happen when you plug in the Diesel with the Formula 1 like offense of the Suns? As of now I can't wrap my head with it. I hope they all know what they're doing, and I pray that I'd have my foot in my mouth by the end of the season.

Well Kerr... All eyes on you now. You could be known in Phoenix as a genius, or someone that will be remembered as the guy who ruined the offense that everybody is envious of. Kerr will definitely feel the Heat in Arizona this year.

On the bright side, Marion won't play for the Suns today (i think) and that's one less player against me this fantasy week... Whew! I'm so sorry Simon. This trade surely hurts both of us.

image from www.nba.com

Is your God too small?

Is our God too small?

“Christian minds have been conformed to the modern spirit: the spirit… that spawns great thoughts of man and leaves room for only small thoughts of God.” – J.I. Packer

We are so used to human thinking and that thinking limits us of our picture of God. And with that image of God in our hearts, even His abilities are limited based on our beliefs. The problem here, when we get drunk and engulfed by our limited human thinking, if this is so… then it’s gets hard to love the magnificence of God for who He is. The uncreated, self sustaining creator who has burning passion for us, and instead of this we run towards our human idols that doesn’t run near to comparison to who God is. We think that other human beings can complete us, this is what I think that’s being spawned on our minds when we think of other men to complete us, instead of running towards a God who can definitely make us whole. We have lost the fear of the Lord, we are so full of ourselves that we even forget to tremble when the Lord is upon us. We get blind and deaf in the spirit. We couldn’t discern His presence and with that said, I’m afraid that because of that, we won’t feel the forgiveness of God. Everything else that we know about God is downsized, this is why we don’t experience God for who He truly is.

I believe from there, from a small view of God everything will go haywire in terms of our spiritual hunger. How will we hunger for who God is when you see him in a fun size, its as if we can’t take the Bible seriously anymore because like what Mike Bickle says in his book (Passion For Jesus), “He is only a little more than an elected official-not to be taken seriously.” It’s like being an adult being lectured by a young man… somehow pride would really take a stand here, we can’t react as to what a book says about our situations and decisions. I believe this is the place where passivity and compromise comes from.

Like who I was before, I was a wee bit skeptical on the idea of having a God. Basically all I know about Him was through the school system and the usual Sunday services where I was forcefully brought each week. Simple formula, no knowledge, no experience/encounters = no interest. And only one thing can turn this equation upside down… an experience/encounter would lead to interest and instantly a hunger for the knowledge of God would be birthed within us.

“Compromise and passivity will be solved as the Lord allows us to gaze upon Him with deeper insight into His personal beauty and glory.” –Mike Bickle, Passion For Jesus

The elements of a miserable Christian life is when we can feel our hearts crying out for God, and yet we still submit to the pleasures of our flesh, we feed the struggle that we usually complain about instead of going all out running towards God or going all out running away from God. Either way I believe that’s how we make our lives a little easier. A choice will really have to be made, its either we run towards Him or run away from Him, there’s no middle line.

But in reality, there shouldn’t be a choice, why do we choose to run away from God? Again, it is because of our limited thinking that’s limiting God of what He can do and what He can give us. With a small knowledge of God we tend to create a “what we think” a greater god, than God. This is where we fashion our own golden bulls. Don’t get me wrong, I fashioned one myself before. I believe that the golden bull is a manifestation of our cry for satisfaction. We want to get satisfied, we want to fill the void that only God can fill up, so we dive into creating something that we think that will get us to the end of the line. And this compromise, again, only results if we’re bored and lacking a personal and deep relationship with God where we can experience and encounter what He can do, and what His promises (there’s a lot in the Bible) are.

If you’re living in compromise, and is struggling to get out of it… there’s only one way to climb away from that pit, we need to delete whatever images we have of God before and start from scratch. The deeper we dwell into seeking His full attributes, the more mind blowing His revelations is of Him and us. And there’s no end to these things, as we reach a depth the deeper He’ll bring us to reveal more of His majesty.

Now ask yourself… is your God too small?

On what transpired yesterday, curfew, and a perfect display of idiocracy

It's not funny anymore. The theatrics that these clowns continue to display just to get seen by the people that they're doing something is not fun anymore, guys maybe it's time for a call for these people to grow up.

I admire their call for reform and everything, don't get me wrong I am definitely in for those things, God bless you for doing that, but come on, for crying out loud, given already the chance to have some say in the political arena, elected to orchestrate some change within the administration and now what... Kids show up in a grown man's body. For crying out loud... you probably have just made things worse. I believe that there is a more mature way of delivering these changes that all of us want. Yes, the Filipino people are tired of corruption and all these jazz, but I guess the Filipino people are also tired of these attempts that disturbs the peace around the country... congratulations, you just forced them to implement a 12:00am - 5:00am curfew around the metro. Well done, well done...

A little wrap up of what transpired yesterday, Sen. Trilianes IV and company we're attending a hearing of their past Coup (Oakwood Mutiny) attempt and years after surrendering to the authorities and spending time in jail, this is what they have in mind... Walk out, and take over another hotel... Kids, the lesson here is that in order for us to counter a Coup trial... is to orchestrate another event thats somehow very similar to what they did before... like uhmm, needless to say, another Coup. And these events gave me another reason to have my sights stuck watching news, and guess what I saw, I saw a feed of the Magdalo group walking out of the Makati RTC en route to Manila Pen, and to my surprise, expecting a serious face from these guys, I saw our former Vice President smiling... and its not even that kind of smile that you take seriously... It was a "Hey, I'm orchestrating a prank" type of smile. Now tell me can you take these guys seriously? obviously their call for the people to get out of their seats and follow them in Makati didn't. Another job well done, you just disturbed the whole business district of Makati, ruined the day of those who we're staying in this fine hotel and raised alot of eyebrows.

I believe that what they say is true... this march wasn't planned... and backtracking at yesterdays events... I found it so evident that these things don't fall into the "planning" category. And if they did, well there's one thing I'm sure of, I won't hire these guys to plan a surprise party with me, they know how to spoil a day perfectly. It was done without class... wait I take that one back, they checked in a fine hotel... The world is laughing at us again, yesterday was appalling and just shows what kind of clowns we have in our country... it was a perfect display of idiocracy.

and oh... another job well done for destroying one fine hotel... *clap clap clap*

Friday Bloody Friday

I woke up this morning not expecting this to happen to our usual lunch getaway.

Today, October 19, 2007, around 1:30 pm, Glorietta 2 became the latest victim of what could be an act of terrorism. Because I doubt that with an explosion with this intensity was caused by an LPG tank.

And now I find myself stuck in front of the television set watching news. I never found myself watching news for more than 10 minutes, but this time it's different. I could've been there, good thing our Glorietta trip that day was called off because others had something in their mind.

My prayers go out to the families affected by this tragedy, and strength to those who risk their time and lives to rescue the people that was there when the bombing happened.

And I guess we just lost one starbucks in that area.

And this just in... PNP is not ruling out an LPG explosion... oh... my... goodness... take a look at the devastation please, i dont think a liquified petrolium gas tank could've caused something like that. This is something else guys... eyes open.

photo from www.Inq7.net

... I know you can heal,
I just don't want to see you hurt...

just heard it somewhere, and somehow i wanted to be that kind of a hero... so that i can say this to you... but i'm not... the best thing that i can do is to share with you the very thing why i'm happy everytime... so that you can be that person that you wanted yourself to be aswell... that kind of person i friggin fell in love with.

now can you just come here so that i can say it to you face to face...

Chuck Norris Legend Of The Week

I know its a little old, but all of it is fun. I don't know about the history of these legends... but all i know is that before History was ever made... Chuck Norris was...

And the Chuck Norris Legend for today is...

When Chuck Norris spits watermelon seeds... He puts the machine gun to shame...

Theories

Acquired Taste refers to an appreciation of a thing that is unlikely to be enjoyed by a person who had not enjoyed a substantial amout of exposure from it...

enough said...

Heads Up!

Heads up... 5 day work week coming...

even now, I miss missing mondays, we should include mondays as a part of the weekend. In that case, the week is shorter, and we usually lose the echo that we hear in the monday vacuum. You know... the "*sigh* its monday already" kind of vacuum. it sucks the energy that you kind of restored over the weekend, and its far off from saturday.

lose the mondays!

Wednesday, 6:30 pm

I'm just sitting here in the office, wondering what I should blog about. Since, I've done my one chapter of learning today, might aswell save the kids with some of my knowledge.

There are only two things that is needed to be done when you find yourself in an odd situation by pissing someone off unintentionaly.

Apologizing and Waiting for forgiveness.

these are the only things that we should do when we find ourselves in that situation. Let's just face the facts that we're wrong and the other party didnt like what we did. Pride has no room in this situation, and neither does self pity. The deed is done, we just need to contemplate about what was done and never to repeat it again. I think that there's no room for justification our wrong doings aswell, we should never place blames on people but accept the responsibility for acting like that. Once we find ourselves justifying the actions, then I dont think that you're really in an apologizing mood, you're just looking for holes that would point something wrong on the other person. Hurt feelings are hurt feelings, whether we like it or not, whether it was a grave insult or a mild joke, something wrong happened.

Reconciliation is another thing, once those two things are done, we should also accept that this is no fairy tale chick flick that would send butterflies floating to give you a signal to go after the other person. Saying sorry is enough, once you said that, I think you already made your point. There's going to be some awkward times here so brace yourself...

Holiday Dreaming In August

It just so happened that Coldplay's "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" and we all wondered about how close the holiday season would be. I cant help but think about the cold breeze that sweeps the city's streets filled with big stars and colorful lights, and you'll notice numerous bazaars that would appear from almost all the corners of the town, the carolers that you seem to miss doing, but sometimes irritating to witness (i know, how cruel). Then comes the christmas parties for almost all of the organizations that you're included in, and as I dream about all these stuff, pretty soon it'll be september, we'll soon hear christmas songs play on the radio... *sigh* 4 more months...

Soundtrack: Coldplay - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, 2000 Miles, Dave Matthews Band - Christmas Song

So Impossible

I hide in making myself believe that somehow everything would merge the way we would want to as long as we put our whole self into it. And right there and then you find yourself contradicting your own convictions when you tell yourself... really?

And when we're filled with emotions, we rush to get that pen and paper, just as we go through with pictures... we want to take hold of that memory... for some certain reasons, these memories are so hard to brush aside... maybe its like what you said, you're the only link of hapiness that i have, that maybe right... or its just because happy is with you... contradictions that makes your mind wonder...

now may i ask you, what are you thinking right now? it may be food... school... career... friends and families... anything... i just want to know...

mine goes... "or maybe we will... but how, everything points to --dont even think about it--... and why wouldnt i? one reason that i do... is because its there"

like that dashboard song goes...

Do you like dreaming of things so impossible...

When Its Rains, Its Fours...

Dismissed from work as early as 3pm, with a busted video card at home, I'm now thinking what could I do to waste time...

Finished alot of stuff today, hoping that i couldve solved a couple of bugs... with that said, its a good day... missed you still...

Side note: the revo parked outside got a free parking today, the makati traffic dudes didnt get the chance to ask for the payment... lucky guy...

Soundtrack: Grace Is Gone - Dave Matthews Band, Fix You - Coldplay, Signal Fire - Snow Patrol.

No... Oh... Please... No

Well thats the video card that i saw when i got home... still hot, smells like teen spirit, and basically broken. DAMN IT!

The Dutch Invasion @ Santiago Bernabeu

Two of the promised 3 signings for Real Madrid has landed. Dutch prodigy Royston Drenthe and Ajax standout Wesley Sneidjer has finally landed to lend a hand to bring the 31st back next season.

The dutchmen are the fifth and sixth signing for Real Madrid after the Capello Regime that brought them the 30th title for Real Madrid. The new kids on the block was unveiled one by one after Real Madrid confirmed Fabio Capello's replacement, Bernd Schuster.

Centerbacks Cristof Metzelder, and Pepe, Forward and former Barcelona man Javier Saviola, and the veteran keeper Jerzy Dudek, and now the new jewels for Schuster in the midfield, Drenthe and Sneidjer has arrived to help Raul and company out to bag this year as well.

We now await for the final piece to arrive... *cough* Robben *cough*
Good day, and Hala Madrid!

Tuesday

first of all... happy birthday marsh!

Well just got myself a laptop for my own, so i'm mobile now hehe... Marco is coming to Starbucks' near you. Just got my first hands on deployment with our client today and damnit... when pressure sinks in to your finger tips, the blood goes there aswell... and then i was pale. I never really knew what happened there, but my colleagues sure did some bullying when they saw the left and the right eyebrows meet. The east and west might not meet, but surely the left and the right eyebrow can.

It was a good day, did everything (almost) that needs to be done, and i rewarded myself with Krispy Kreme. By the way try the one with the hersheys toppings... its friggin guilty-licious.
Note: if you're on a diet, forget that i even said anything... runaway from Krispy Kreme... ;)

Well I got the ball back... well played bebang hehehe ;) but like i said, as of now... i really don't want to lose this feeling, i just love loving you... Yikkeeeee... and unlike what i was feeling with the other one before (i really wanted something back) this time, i'm fine with the one way interaction hehe, but still hoping... still hoping...

overall... T'was a good day...

soundtrack: The Space Between - Dave Matthews Band, Before Its Too Late - Goo Goo Dolls, Swallowed In The Sea - Coldplay

Finally... Your Ball

So it's finally out, odd as it may be, i have finally let the truth out. I wanted it to be worthwhile, something special to be remembered, but what the hell... my heart will never stop throbbing like crazy everytime i catch you online, or whenever i receive replies from you for the poems that i have posted about you. So maybe now i'd just stop wondering what could have happened, i'd just leave it behind. now its just today and so forth... after all these years of circling and playing around... i finally gathered enough courage to tell you that i love you still...

the stage is set...
2nd quarter into the game
time is not yet of the essence
a deep breath before i step into the court
the play has been given...
everybody's waiting...
i just dealt mine...

your ball...

Damn You Love

damn you with your everything
the way you know all the triggers
the way you unconsciously hit the things that hurts

damn the way you make my life miserable
damn the same way you give me hope
hope that you're real and i know you

i simply hate the fact that you are
and knowing i cant reach the place where you are
why couldnt you just live in dreams

i simply hate the fact that you dont care
and as much as you dont, i just do
i give so much that i simply do

i hate the fact that i cant see you where you are
i hope that someway somehow i'd do
build something up and start from there

i hate everything about it
and you give every reason why
enumerate everything and we'll soon find out

just the fact that youre there where im not
to the little things that would never tie a knot
im diving into insanity, when its you i think about

youre free, im entangled
by everything that you just pose out
its been long, and i can wait for more

ask me if do i even love something about you?
i'll tell you that i really hate everything about this
simply because i very much love everything that is you.

-----------------------------------------------------------
just by reading this piece again, i realize that it's not really that original, reminds me of that poem julia stiles did in '10 things i hate about you'. but now i just feel the irony of that poem... and it does suck heh

Memo To Self

Its 3:42, rain doesn't stop from falling outside, a mug of cold water on my hand and a thought on my head. How do you turn a slow day like this to something exciting.

Memo to self: Nothing can ever turn a slow day exciting. If you feel that the day starts to turn slow... run away, save your life... nothing can be done... its a monster that feeds on every desk lemming...

so I tried drinking this day off with water refilling. Whats that you say, its when you refill your mug with water and have the usual water dispenser gossip in the office pantry, drink it when you get back to your desk while reading a couple of articles, after your bladder gets enough water it will send a signal to your brain to visit the comfort room, you take a wiss. Did a couple more of those, and I checked the clock it's just 3:49.

...damn...

so here's a tip... when the day starts to go slow... save yourself the trouble of finding out if you can ever get out of it... run away...

Prayer

What is prayer? For me it’s really a way to tap into God’s heart, this is a mean of feeling how The Great One truly feels about us. This is how I feel comfort, calmness in the midst of troubles. This is the time where I can hear what the Holy Spirit tells me to do, and trust me, sometimes The Spirit can also tell me what’s about to happen to me, but this is a different story. Prayer can be silence for a long period of time, and still it feels like you’re screaming for more silence as the inner man tries to commune with God. Before I always admire how the psalmist assemble words of passion about God, but when you come within that place where God’s feelings and yours meet, silence can truly mean a lot of words. No words can be uttered, and sometimes I feel that He’s just hushing me, placing His finger on my lips and just telling me to enjoy Him, and after experiencing these, I wanted more, I’m ruined and changing slowly. My passion for prayer goes hand in hand with my Christian day-to-day walk. Before I was compelled to do these things, but more of my own will and strength, everything has to be done to satisfy the “Christian” title. Little did I know that the root of all the actions points to the time you spend with the one we choose to mirror, our own secret time with Jesus. I have always admired preachers, and worship leaders, I have always admired their knowledge and their passion for such things, and I wanted that joy, I wanted that satisfaction that they get when they do what the spirit tells them. I see it in the people we always see on TV, I read them on books and articles over the net. I admire the words that the singers sing, and I wanted that as well, thinking that these things would please God, ministry. I never gave prayer a chance seeing that I’m already doing these stuff, and sometimes asking for the Lord to give me some slack because I’m already doing these stuff, the stuff that makes my teeth grind when I do it, or think about doing it. And I wonder, how do these guys do it? How could the preachers speak with so much confidence and ease, how could singers arrange songs as if they read lyrics carved out from God’s heart, and little did I know that a lot can be birthed from the quiet time that I despised back then. This is where I started to ask for encounter in prayer. At first it was the wordy prayer, everything that came into my mind was the words that came out of my heart, and I started to notice, these are the same words that I speak night in and night out. I got bored, I got bummed with prayer that I just went from 5 minutes tops, to “Thank you for this day, thank you for bringing me home safe, Amen”. Then I started to let my heart do the talking. There was a night when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me of what’s going to happen. I really saw it flash on my head before I made the decision to surf the net, and I brushed it aside feeling that I’m not that weak to fall into lust again. But then I did, and I did exactly what was warned beforehand. Right there and then, my heart screamed and asked for forgiveness. No words but sorry and long moments of silence and through those moments of silence are where I really felt forgiveness and love. No words were uttered but still it was like the Lord was answering everything that my heart was asking. It felt like I’m hearing my heart and the Lord having a sweet and deep conversation about me. And so I asked is this how prayer should be done? Am I really reaching out to you and having a conversation in the heart level? No words were spoken that night, but something changed within me. A burning passion of tapping into that place again, a hunger for God’s heart beat a hunger for that comfort even on times of guilt, there truly is no condemnation in Christ, there is truly delight in his presence, and that is where my passion for prayer ignited. Knowing God in a heart level and feel his kindness for a sinner like me, strengthened me and made me see the cross for what it truly is, a way back to God’s arms, and deeper, his heart. I never really knew God for who he really is. Now the words that are written in the Bible lives compared to the literature that I saw before. And I believe that you can only have that satisfaction that we see in a preachers face as he/she delivers the word of God, and how the song writers arrange such beautiful and inspired words that they sing is when God is REAL within us. And the reality of God can only be attained if we believe that He is, and that belief can be sparked by an encounter through prayer.